


forged in blue fire

by Lunarflare14



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Earthborn (Mass Effect), F/F, F/M, M/M, Mass Effect 1, Mass Effect 2, Mass Effect 3, POV Kaidan Alenko, POV Male Shepard, Paragade (Mass Effect), Sheploo - Freeform, Sole Survivor (Mass Effect), Soul Bond, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Soulmates, Vanguard (Mass Effect)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-11-18
Updated: 2016-10-07
Packaged: 2018-01-01 22:31:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 25,824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1049323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lunarflare14/pseuds/Lunarflare14
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You would think having your soul mate's name appear on your body on your eighteenth birthday would make it simple and clear cut.</p><p>Nothing in John's life has ever been that simple.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This has been done for so many pairings. It needed to be done for MShenko.
> 
> The idea came from franklindeladonut on tumblr. 
> 
> Thanks for that. and by thanks I mean fuck you but I mean that in the most loving of ways.

...................................................................................................................

Johnny found out about the soul mate thing when one of the older boy’s in the Reds suddenly had a name appear on his chest. It turned out the name belonged to the pretty girl who volunteered at the shelter they sometimes would eat at if stealing didn’t bring in enough food. The gang member’s name was on her wrist. Suddenly, he left the gang, and headed off for a better life.

“It happens to everyone when they turn eighteen,” Finch explained. “You get the name on your body and they’re the person you’re meant to be with. Sometimes it’s a person you know. Sometimes it’s someone you haven’t met yet. No one knows why it happens, just that it does.”

Needless to say, Johnny was ecstatic about it. He wasn’t sure how old he was but he knew he had to be getting closer to the day. He was pretty sure it was in late March and he was at least sixteen.  The next year came around and every day in March he waited. He figured he must only be seventeen when March faded into April. But April 11th 2172 came like any other day and Shepard found a name looping around to cross his clavicle: Kaidan Leon Alenko.

The sight of it caught his breath and he touched it, letting his fingers tenderly trace each letter. Suddenly he felt a tingling in his whole body and the bathroom mirror glowed blue just before it cracked.

“Holy shit!” That had never happened before. Biotics? Was that common to be dormant for so long?

The gang leader always said don’t look a gift varren in the mouth.

Finch was the first up in there little squat, so he was the only one to find Johnny stuffing a bag full of the only belongings he had.

“Where you going, Johnny?”

“I’m going to find him.”

Finch frowned. “Find who?”

Shepard couldn’t stop grinning. It was making his face ache. “My soulmate.”

Finch’s shock came as a surprise. “You got a name?”

“Yup, turns out today is my birthday. Which means I’m eighteen. I’m joining up with the Alliance. If I’m going to find him, I’m going to need resources. I just cracked the mirror without touching it. No way they’ll turn down a young biotic, right?” He didn’t own much, so packing only took a few minutes. He had some tatter cloths he would probably just throw out, a couple of books he had hidden from the others, toothbrush, and a toy model of the SSV Hastings.

The bag wasn’t even half full when he slung it over his shoulder. “I’m gonna talk to Viper, let him know what’s up. He found Vicki. I think he’ll get it, you know?”

When he looked back at Finch, his gang mate looked angry. “You’re just gonna up and leave? Suddenly too good for us?”

Johnny shook his head. “I have to do this. When you get yours you’ll understand.” And he left the hut without looking back.

Viper took it pretty well. “If you leave now, I don’t ever want to see you again, you understand?”

But it wasn’t malicious and when he looked into the man’s eyes he thought he did understand. If he left, Viper wanted him to never end up back here. He wanted Johnny to make something of himself.

“I get it, and thanks.”

Viper just grinned. “I hope you find him, kid.”

With that he headed for the recruitment station two wards over. Old habits had him cutting through side alleys and avoid main streets. He was leaving the Reds but it was unlikely their rivals would know that just by looking.

The office was huge. “I’m here to sign up for the Marines.” He deadpanned, the receptionist handed him a clipboard. It was asking for all sorts of information he didn’t know (but thank goodness Vicki had taught him to read). “Miss?” He asked as politely as he could. “What if… What if I don’t know a lot of this stuff?” Something in the receptionist’s eyes softened.

“We’ll get you squared away. What’s your name?”

Johnny went blank; he didn’t know his real name. “I go by John.” It sounded more grown up.

The receptionist smiled up at him. “I imagine there isn’t a last name attached to that?”

He shook his head.

“Well, for now, what would you like?”

He thought back to all the surnames he had herd, one that stuck out. Once he had stayed with a red that had a home and extranet. He watched a documentary on space flight before the relays. “Shepard.”

“Alright, we’ll get you squared away. Fill out what you can though. I’ll have one of our officers come out and help you with the rest. One thing though, are you sure you’re old enough?”

Johnny pulled his shirt down enough to show her the name. “I turned eighteen today.”

“Congratulations. Don’t forget to put that down on the form, and we’ll register you with the Soul Office. They help you find them.”

Johnny felt his heart light up at the thought. “Yes, please.”

He took the forms over to a seat in the corner, and skipped straight to the soul mate name slot of the datapad.

Kaidan Leon Alenko.

 “Kaidan,” he whispered, testing the weight of it on his tongue. His mouth formed the sounds like it was meant to.

Kaidan Leon Alenko.

Johnny would find him. He knew he was meant to find him.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Shepard had been in the Alliance a year before he heard anything. Nicole was his case worker, and she was determined to find him for Shepard. The Soul Office on base where he was going through basic was huge. Each case worker had about one hundred case. Most were open and shut but not Kaidan.  All she managed was a place in Vancouver where his parents lived, and his records from BAaT, which were sealed but that meant he was a biotic too. Kaidan Alenko fell off the grid after his stay at Jump Zero.  It was probably Shepard’s eagerness that kept her at it. He came by every week after biotics training, sometimes he brought her a muffin, or some other treat and they’d talk about her week.

But a year after he joined he came in, ready for smiles and small talk, but Nicole looked sad.

“Shepard… I don’t know how to say this but—“

Shepard hurried forward, bagel forgotten. “Did you find him?”

She nodded.

“Then what—?”

Nicole just handed him the file.

Name: Kaidan Leon Alenko

Entered Service: June 2173

Shepard skimmed the rest and landed on soul mate name.

 _None_.

Shepard looked up, his chest tight. “What does that mean?”

“It… it happens sometimes. With biotics, mostly those with L2 implants. They’ll hit eighteen and nothing will happen. I’ve heard of people not having names before, but I’ve never heard…”

“You’ve never heard of someone having a name and their soul mate having none.”

Nicole shook her head. “John, I think you should still contact him. Let him know—“

“That I’m bound to him for the rest of my life but he’s free to do what he wants?” He regretted the question immediately. Nicole’s eyes filled with pity and he wanted to be somewhere—anywhere else.

“There’s still hope. Please think about it.”

Shepard just took the file and nodded. He hoofed it back to his bunk in the barracks, and spread out the file. It was now a bit more complete. Kaidan had specializations in biotics and tech. He kept the L2 implants, didn’t sign up for more biotic training. No major side effect but migraines from the implants.

Then Shepard found the photo. It is the one they take on recruitment day. Kaidan’s hair was unruly, even in a ponytail. He looked like he’d been out in the wilderness, but where he found wilderness in such an ever shrinking galaxy, Shepard would never know. His eyes were distant and held the camera’s gaze like a challenge. Kaidan looked ready for a fight. He was older than Shepard, almost three years older.

Kaidan was really handsome.

There was a military extranet address attached to it. It would be easy. Just punch it in, send him a note. _Hey, your name is on my neck. Want to go out for coffee?_ But Shepard, for the first time in his life, hesitated. Unable to move the name suddenly felt more like a noose then a god sent. Everything stopped and went silent as he sat paralyzed with panic.

Kaidan was free. What right did Shepard have to him?

Maybe in time. Maybe the fear would subside.

He had time to figure it out. For now they were both in training, so maybe in a couple years. Yeah, that would be fine.

………………………………………………………………………………

Time turned into years and the name on his collar itched for no reason. It was like it could sense Shepard was stalling and wished to cause him just the smallest amount of discomfort, a constant reminder it was there and never going away. Shepard kept putting it off, though he kept up with Kaidan’s progress. Kaidan was advancing pretty fast and already had one commendation and also cut his unruly hair.

He was still way too handsome for the military.

Then Shepard was sent to Akuze with about fifty marines all scrambling for their lives.

The thresher maws were tearing them apart, a half a dozen at a time. They were being massacred, the whole scene devolving into chaos. Soon, there were only a couple of marines left. “Make for the LZ!” he cried out. If they could get to the shuttles they’d be alright. His leg had been injured but that wasn’t stopping him. Shepard ran like a mad man, there was no fighting these things. He could hear the other men being picked off, one by one. From the sound behind him, he had three threshers in pursuit.

At the pace he could manage, he wouldn’t make it to the LZ. He was going to die. He was going to die on this shitty planet out on the edge of Alliance Space, alongside fifty more marines, all eaten by giant sand worms, and of all the things in his life that could pop into mind, the thing that bothered him was he never even met Kaidan. His life flashed before his eyes and Kaidan was an ever present ghost. A life just beyond his reach that he couldn’t bring himself to grab for. Now he’d died here, and Kaidan wouldn’t know there was someone out there with his name on him. He needed to hear Kaidan say his name. It didn’t matter if Kaidan ever loved him. He just needed him to be there. Deep in his soul he knew that he was meant to be by Kaidan’s side, if fate would give him that chance.

It was likely that he would die here if he didn’t do something and do it fast.

He felt his biotics flare with his anger.

The time for running was over.

Suddenly he turned with a power he’d never shown the potential for, and smashed into the closest maw with incredible force. It grabbed him with its mouth and dragged Shepard under.

 _Not today_. Even with the sand falling in around him, threatening to crush in his armor, he thrust the power in him downward and he shot up out of the sand, landing on his ass and further injuring his leg. Struggling to stand he lit up both his hands, facing the other two maws. Ready for anything they could throw at him.

They had the sense to run in the opposite direction.

Limping badly, Shepard made his way back to the LZ alone. He collapsed a few yards from the shuttle and had to crawl to it. The heat from his overloaded amps was nearly unbearable. He radioed back up and passed out before it arrived.

Before he lost consciousness though, he wondered if they’d give him a medal for this.

He hoped not.


	2. Chapter 2

When Kaidan turned eighteen and no name showed up, he was heartbroken at first. After Jump Zero, it had been something to look forward to, a possible future.

It was the main reason he left Earth and started roaming the galaxy. Mostly he hitchhiked from station to base to colony and all over. It was like a weird sort of pilgrimage that lasted almost a year. He was looking for answers. The problem was he wasn’t even sure what the questions were. After a couple of years went by he ended up on Nevos, among some Asari biotics.

They were fascinated with his human biotics and took him under their wing. It felt like they understood him, what he’d gone through at Jump Zero. They were all supportive and listened like they had nowhere else to be. They sparred and worked security together at a bunch of the local tourist spots; nightclubs, hotel bars, etc. It was a simple, easy life but after a few months he began to miss home. He missed making a real difference not just throwing drunks out on their asses at the end of the night. Whether or not he had a soul name didn’t matter anymore. It didn’t leave him feeling incomplete.

He was whole within himself and no one could convince him otherwise. It left him the freedom of choice.

Arelli, a pale blue Matron Asari he’d gotten particularly close to was the one who convinced him to go back. “You’re ready,” she whispered, “and you spirit knows it. It grows restless, yearning for its purpose. You already know your path.”

Kaidan nodded. He wanted back in the Alliance but he’d do it on his terms.

It was Spring time in Vancouver by the time he made it back to Earth, the closest place he could think that had an Alliance recruitment station. He was in and out pretty quickly; L2 biotics who didn’t go insane were rare and valuable. It helped he was a blank too, though he did have to go to extra counseling to get signed off.

Blanks were at a high risk for depression.

His career impressed a few people along the way and it had gotten him noticed, picked for better positions, more opportunities.

He’d been in the Alliance for five year, however, when he got the first email from John Shepard. A short time after the attack on Akuze the whole incident had become legend and Shepard’s name was on everyone’s lips. The Sole Survivor was automatically recruited for ICT and tearing down a ton of their old records. Kaidan had been receiving a few emails from high profile military members regarding his most recent commendations but he hadn’t expected one from a celebrity of all things.

It was brief and formal for the most part, though a few lines caught his attention.

_If there is anything you need, my inbox is always open._

Kaidan had no idea what that was about but he found himself hopelessly trying to type up a response. He kept it brief, in the same formal tone, put in a quip how the only real thing he needed was some real meat on his current posting, and sent it off without a thought.

He didn’t expect a reply, but what happened next was probably better than that.

He got a package of bacon and steak in the mail.

It must have been a good hour that he stared at the box on his bunk. It was from a butcher on Earth, ordered in his name. All that indicated the sender was a J.S. on the receipt.

That’s what had Kaidan actually looking into John Shepard. He was born on Earth, a street kid who enlisted at eighteen. He hadn’t quite grown into his features in the recruitment photo, just some happy, bright kid with the world ahead of him. The photo that had been updated two years later was, to say the least, a frightening change. John must have hit a growth spurt after finally being fed regularly because he was nearly twice the size he had been. Records said he grew near five inches, his biotics developed rabidly. Everything else was sealed. Kaidan wondered if whatever sealed his records also took away the joy from his eyes.

Despite the serious look, Shepard was handsome enough to be a model.

That didn’t seem entirely fair to the rest of the population of the galaxy. He read more in depth about Akuze but most of it seemed really farfetched. Taking down a thresher would take a ton of biotic power that Shepard really shouldn’t have.

Kaidan sent him another email.

_Thanks for the food. I was mostly joking about it but the bit of home is really appreciated._

The email back was almost instant.

_I’m living vicariously through you. I’m not able to get packages from home at the moment._

Kaidan smiled at that.

_You’re too kind, LT Commander._

Without knowing what else to reply with, he sent off the one sentence because he was a coward. You don’t just email Shepard back and forth like you’re old friends. But his omni-tool pinged another message.

_What can I say? I’m a giver._

Kaidan laughed loudly, causing some of the other crewmen in the barracks to stare. To be fair, Kaidan was quiet and mostly kept to himself so the outburst was a little weird. His omni-tool pinged again.

_Also humble._

He shook his head, grinning like an idiot. What the hell was this?

_While I’ve got your attention, I was wondering if it was true that you took a thresher maw down with one biotic blast?_

Again the response was almost immediate.

_I can neither confirm nor deny those accusations. But I can tell you I definitely punched one in the face._

He looked around. Was he being punked? Was he on some stupid new extranet show where unsuspecting marines are pranked by their crewmen via celebrities emailing them?

He got another message. _Sorry, got to go. Thanks for humoring me. Most are scared to._

That was confusing because he hadn’t realized this had been what the Shepard considered ‘humoring’.

_Anytime, sir._

 

Thus began his strange, sporadic, buddying correspondence with Shepard. They never talked about anything important or their military stuff. They rarely exchanged more than a few messages and rarely more than once every couple of months. They never even talked about personal stuff either. Just stupid vids on the internet, sometimes whatever political nonsense that was going on. It went on for years, like so weird pen pal. Sometimes Kaidan checked in on Shepard, sometimes Shepard on Kaidan.

He wasn’t sure what they were doing, they weren’t exactly friends. They didn’t learn a lot about each other, only that Shepard like to watch those vids of marines coming home to their pets, and loved Chinese food. There were just the weird little things that didn’t paint the full picture of who Shepard was.

Shepard didn’t feel real.

Then the Normandy was being fitted with a crew and Kaidan saw Captain Anderson would be heading it, he knew he had to be on that ship. It was something historic and important. He made the cut and it was like he could breathe again.

“…we’ve got several candidates for XO, including John Shepard.”

Kaidan’s ears perked. “Really?”

“Yes. I know his reputation because of Akuze makes him sound intimidating but—“

“No, sir. He’s… he’s not intimidating.”

Anderson frowned deeply. “Okay, son. Whoever is appointed won’t really have time to look over the crew roster, so don’t expect him to know your name.”

Kaidan nodded. At least their shakedown cruise wouldn’t be boring.


	3. Chapter 3

Shepard didn’t go to Kaidan right away, mostly because life kept getting in the way. He got taken into the Interplanetary Combatives Training program, started making his way up the N ranks like it was going out of style. He had excellent scores, beat a couple of the old records. Finally the opportunity came for a timid correspondence, just a brief congratulations on his commendation, an ‘if there’s anything you need’ thrown in because he just couldn't stop himself. It might have been a little much but Kaidan’s reply back had the politest of jokes about real food and the soul mate instinct to hit him like a ton of bricks. So he ordered some good meat from back home like the dork he was and sent it to Kaidan with no note of explanation.

Every once in a while they exchanged a few emails. Shepard tried to keep them minimal but sometimes Kaidan would actually message HIM and he couldn’t resist replying immediately.

This wasn’t running away, this was… inching towards. He kept an eye out for Kaidan, he was almost a Lieutenant and he was about to receive another commendation. Shepard couldn’t be more proud.

When Anderson brought up the Normandy project, he was thrilled to be chosen as XO. After six years he was finally given a position aboard something important. Most people looked at his file and dismissed him as a risk, but not Anderson. Anderson took him under his wing and helped him navigate the political landscape.

This was his first big assignment, after years of random missions here and there. This would make or break his career.

“I’d like you to meet the crew,” Anderson stated proudly as he went down the line, one by one. Shepard saluted them back when they saluted him. He wasn’t paying as much attention as he should. This was a formality; he hadn’t had time to look at the roster. It was like he had a nervous tick, like he was standing on the edge of a cliff and about to totter over the side and he couldn’t quite put his finger on why.

“…and then we’ve got the Lieutenant in charge of the Marine detachment, he was a bit of a last minute posting. Lt. Kaidan Alenko.”

Shepard’s eyes snapped to the next one on line and sure enough there he was. It was like Shepard’s insides were liquefying and his lungs were suddenly filled with sap. The world was imploding around him and it was like Kaidan wasn’t noticing. If Shepard hadn’t gone through all that training to gain the galaxies best poker face the crew would surely think he was dying. Alenko just smiled a little and saluted. “It’s an honor to finally meet you, sir.”

“Honor is mine.” He saluted back but halfheartedly. Kaidan didn’t seem to know what to do with that. “Captain, can I speak with you in your quarters? I’d like to go over the… itinerary one more time.”

Anderson nodded. “Sure thing. Alright everybody, dismissed.” Shepard followed Anderson to the lift, looking over his shoulder at Kaidan and nearly tripping over nothing. The Marine glanced his way briefly and flashed that little smile before talking to Pressly.  When the elevator doors closed Anderson chuckled. “So what are we really talking about?”

“That was my soulmate.” Alright so perhaps a little prelude should have been given.

Anderson turned to him completely, the doors opened to his cabin but neither of them moved. “What?

"The lieutenant. He's my soulmate."

"I checked Alenko’s file, Shepard. He's a blank. Always has been."

 “Yeah, but I'm not.” Shepard pulled his collar down.

Anderson actually looked genuinely shocked. Sometimes Shepard forgot certain records of his had been sealed—after the mandatory counseling. His case worker and counselor had been kind enough to keep that quiet, and got clearance to make it need to know. It was a really special case after all. The counselor had deemed it a good idea to let Shepard make the decision of who knew and who didn't--with the exception of his immediate superior officer. This was still the military after all. Anderson would be allowed access but he didn’t necessarily look for a Soul Name. “So you’re telling me you just had the Moment down there?” Anderson scratched the back of his hand. Kahlee Faith Sanders was pretty obviously scrawled across it. “And you never told him?”

“I was going to. I—life kept happening. I thought someone would think to check my profile—you have clearance to do that, sir.”

“I can get him restationed—“

“No! This posting is an honor to be chosen for. He deserves it— I’ll go.”

Anderson sighed. “This is why soulmates don’t work on the same ship. They fly off the rails and get self-sacrificing. I need you here, Shepard. I won’t take anyone else.” The captain ran a hand down his face. “Just, keep it on the down low and we’ll figure something out.”

“Thank you, sir.” Shepard nodded, turning to leave.

“Wait a minute, son. You didn’t think I’d want to hear about how you have a name and he doesn’t?”

Shepard scratched his neck. “No one’s been able to explain it to me, sir.”

His superior gave him a look of the deepest sympathy. “You would think that whatever cosmic force put this system into place would take into account that sort of thing. I suppose it’s better than not knowing. Joker only has three letters of a name I hear. He says no matter who she is, the Normandy is his true love though.”

“I exchanged a few emails with him in the past, all mostly professional. I felt like I was finally ready to have that talk. Now he’s…”

Anderson finished for him. “Now you’re his superior officer.”

“Yeah.”

His captain nodded. “I just always thought, the way you got when soulmates came up, that your partner died. Surviving soul mates are… stern, not as easy to make laugh or joke. Not saying that you come off that way. I just thought you handled it better because you were stronger then that."

It felt like a weight had been dropped on him. “I wanted to win him on my own. But there never seemed to be any time.”

“And you still have time—“

The loudspeaker came on with a crackle. “Captain, Nihlus is here. All are aboard for the shakedown cruise.”

“Thanks, Joker.” The comm went dead and the captain glared. “Joker probably heard all of that.”

Shepard shrugged. “He’ll know better than to gossip. We outrank him and could make his life hell.”

“True. Very true.”

“But a Spectre on board? I don’t like it.”

“Nobody likes it. But he’s turian and we’ve got to make nice for the sake of galactic peace.”

 Shepard ran a hand over his face and up into his hair. "It's a good thing I work well under pressure."

"You'll do great."

He shrugged as they headed back down to the ICU. "At least it's not like the fate of the galaxy relies on this or anything. Just my entire career as well as the career of the man my soul is bound to for all eternity. But no pressure."

 


	4. Chapter 4

Shepard was nothing like Kaidan expected. He was reserved, but not exactly strict either. The way he fumbled their first meeting was endearing—surprise evident on his commanding officer’s face, stumbling to make a hasty retreat. Then Nihlus’ came aboard and everyone was suddenly on edge. Despite that, the Commander was a real leader, confident and fair. You wouldn’t know he was the same man who survived Akuze. They had been friendly, almost friends even in the short flight to the colony. Then they got there and everything that could go wrong, did. First they lost Jenkins, and then Nihlus turned up dead at the hands of Saren. It was crazy. Then they found the beacon and it was a green florescent that was kind of hypnotic.

“This is amazing! Actual working Prothean technology. Unbelievable.” The light it was giving off whirled around it.

Williams stepped away from it. “It wasn’t doing anything like that when they dug it up.”

Kaidan stepped closer, curiosity getting the better of the warning bells that said he probably shouldn’t get to close. “Something must have activated it.” Shepard’s voice in the background faded out as he spoke over the comm to the Normandy. The world was dissolving around Kaidan and the only things left were him and the light of the beacon. It was calling to him, daring him to look closer. Then it pulsed with energy and started dragging him. It felt like long boney fingers were reaching into his mind, trying to claw its way in.

“Kaidan!” Strong arms grabbed him around the waist and threw him to the side.

When his head cleared, he saw Shepard floating in front of the beacon.

“Shepard!” Kaidan went to run forward but Ash held him back.

“Don’t touch him! It’s too dangerous.”

Kaidan looked at her, uncertain. She’d fought with them well but how could he be sure that was a good idea. Then the beacon exploded and Shepard was thrown back. Williams didn’t try and stop him this time. “Shepard!” He knelt beside the XO, but there was no response. “Damn it.” He pulled off Shepard’s helmet, searching the commander’s face for any sign of a wound or bleeding. “Unconscious, but alive.”

Ash radioed in what happened, before turning back to them. “You’ve got one hell of a commanding officer, lieutenant. I don’t know a lot of them that would rip you away from an ancient mysterious artifact when they don’t know what it even does.”

Kaidan glared at her. “Is now really the time for this?”

“I hope they let me serve with you all on the Normandy. That’s the kind of officer I’d like to follow.” She smiled down at Shepard’s unconscious form with a little more affection then a woman should have for a man she just met.

It caused a pang of something Kaidan couldn’t quite place but it was gone before he could examine it too closely. All he knew was it annoyed him. “Let’s get to the extraction point. Shepard needs the medbay,” He grumbled, throwing Shepard over his shoulder.

Kaidan couldn’t bring himself to leave the medbay once they got there. It felt like hours of just listening to Shepard breath and having Chakwas eye him suspiciously from her workstation. He had told her he had a migraine. It wasn’t true but he knew she wouldn’t let him stay if he didn’t have some sort of ailment of his own.

Apparently, Shepard’s brain was hard at work while he was unconscious and Chakwas was doing her best to monitor it. He felt bad, being underfoot. But leaving Shepard felt wrong. If it hadn’t been for the commander it would have been him lying on the medbay table. He fell asleep in the bed opposite the commander and slept the night. Chakwas didn’t seem to mind and the flight to the Citadel was much longer than that. He wouldn’t really be needed for anything until they got there.

When he woke up again, Chakwas didn’t ask about his migraine and let him be. She seemed to understand. Instead she handed him some food, asked about Jenkins. Kaidan didn’t say much, and she didn’t push him for more.

Finally, after an eternity. Shepard stirred. “Doctor? Dr. Chakwas? I think he’s waking up.”

Shepard sat up slowly, like moving was an effort. Chakwas walked to him with a small smile. “You had us worried there, Shepard. How are you feeling?”

Shepard rolled his shoulders slowly, assessing. “Minor throbbing… nothing serious. How long was I out?”

“About fifteen hours. Something happened down there with the beacon, I think.”

Kaidan chimed in. “It was my fault. I must have tripped some kind of security field. You had to push me out of the way…”

Shepard seemed to sense his guilty. “You had no way of knowing what would happen.”

Chakwas didn’t seem certain. “We’re not even sure that is what set it off. Guess we’ll never find out.”

Shepard frowned and Kaidan walked over to stand with Chakwas. “It exploded. System overload maybe? Blast must have knocked you cold. Williams and I had to carry you back here to the ship.”

Shepard finally looked him in the eye, though a bit hesitantly. “I appreciate it.” The sentence made the commander wince, though he covered it well. Kaidan just nodded. He understood, even though the gratitude sounded a bit silly. Like Kaidan and Ash would have just left him there.

“Physically you’re fine. But you had some very abnormal brain activity.”

Shepard suddenly looked unsettled. “I was… I saw a vision. It was nothing like I’ve ever seen. Death… Destruction… places I’ve never been. Figures like I’ve never seen. It’s all kind of fuzzy.”

That’s when Anderson came in and kicked him and the good doctor out.

Kaidan placed himself in the mess right in the path Shepard would probably take to get back to the Flight Deck. It wasn’t like he knew what he was going to say if the commander came up to him but seeing that the commander was alright really eased his mind. After Jenkins, he was glad he didn’t have to deal with another death on the crew. Especially one that would have been his fault.

“Commander, it’s good to see you’re okay.”

Shepard sighed, running a hand over his shaved head. “Suppose okay covers it. Things were pretty rough down there. A lot of dead civilians. I never get used to it.”

Kaidan nodded. “Yeah, I—know the feeling. And then with what happened to Jenkins…”It was probably still too fresh, but Shepard just pinched the bridge of his nose.

“I wish I could’ve… I don’t know, done something. It was just—“

“Bad luck.” At first it seemed like Shepard was skeptical of the sentiment but he nodded. Kaidan wasn’t use to this. He was use to Shepard up right and at attention, ready for what was thrown at him. This wasn’t a Shepard he wanted to see. “There wasn’t anything you could have done.” A moment stretched between them. Shepard looked light years away. “Hell of a shakedown cruise though.”

Shepard chuckled. It was a nice sound to hear. “Yeah, one for the history books; Spectre on Spectre murder, geth attack. Citadel is going to have a field day with that, if they believe us.” Kaidan nodded again. When did talking get difficult? Probably sometime after they lost Jenkins or maybe because of the thing with the beacon. The Commanders eyebrows furrowed. “You were there when I woke up. How long were you in the medbay?”

“Oh.” Kaidan looked anywhere but his exo’s face. “I checked in with Chakwas after we dropped you off, she uhhh, wanted to keep me for observation. Since the Beacon knocked you out and I was exposed to it. I was allowed to go but… I stuck around. Migraine.” Kaidan could hear the lie in his own voice but he hoped they weren’t so familiar that the commander could pick up on it. Shepard didn’t need to know he didn’t have a migraine.

Shepard raised an eyebrow at his hasty dodge. “Anyway, we’re heading for the Citadel first thing. Ambassador Udina hopes to get an audience with the Council. I’ll talk to you later.” Kaidan struggled for words. The Commander was moving towards the stairs and Kaidan just felt he needed to say something, anything.

“Wait, I—“

The commander stopped, surprised and wherever that sentence was going escaped Kaidan for a moment.

“Thank you, Commander. For saving me from the beacon.”

Shepard stopped and turned back. The commander had a small smile for him that made Kaidan squirm a little. “Thanks for sticking around til I woke up.”

Kaidan looked away. “Don’t know what you’re talking about.” When he looked back there was something intense in the commander’s eyes. The force of it nearly winded him.

“I… should go.”

“Take care, Commander.”

Shepard nodded and disappeared up the stairs. After staring at the empty space ahead of him for several more seconds, Kaidan went back to his usual spot across the mess. That’s when he noticed Ash was at the other end of the table, probably watching the whole scene carefully. As he walked away from her, she laughed. “You don’t take much shore leave, do ya, LT?”

“Shut up.” He growled but he could feel a grin pull at his cheeks. It wasn’t like that, but it was nice that the Gunnery Chief was a little cheerful. She had been through a lot, and could probably use the laugh.

Even though it wasn’t like that.


	5. Chapter 5

After they got to the Citadel everything happened fast; meeting Garrus and Wrex, saving Tali, becoming a Spectre and then Captian of the Normandy. Everything went by in a blur and there wasn’t a spare second to breathe for anyone. Before Shepard knew what was happening he was on a volcanic planet, saving the Matriarch’s daughter from geth and mercs.

Considering she was an academic, not a soldier she was taking the whole almost dying thing well.

“We almost died back there and your pilot is making jokes?”

Shepard smiled and shrugged. “We all deal with stress in our own way. You get used to it.”

Liara squinted then nodded. “I see. It must be a human thing. I don’t have a lot of experience dealing with your species, Commander.” Her eyes softened. “But I am grateful to you. You saved my life back there. And not just from the volcano. Those geth would have killed me. Or dragged me off to Saren.”

Shepard was about to say it was his job and he was glad they got there in time but Kaidan cut in harshly. “What did Saren want with you? Do you know something about the Conduit?”

Shepard let the harsh tone go since Liara just kept on speaking about Protheans. She’d been at it a long time and he felt a little bad about what he was about to tell her.

“There was a damaged Prothean beacon on Eden Prime. It burned a vision into my brain. I’m still trying to sort out what it all means.”

Liara looked like Christmas came early. “Visions? Yes… that makes sense. The Beacons were designed to transmit information directly into the mind of the user. Finding one that still works is extremely rare.” She leaned back in her seat, crossing her legs and holding her chin in her hand. “No wonder the geth attacked Eden Prime. The chance to acquire a working beacon, ever a badly damaged one, is worth the risk.” Shepard walk into the center of the briefing, the asari’s eyes following him where he went. “But the beacons were only programmed to interact with Prothean physiology. Whatever information you received would have been confused, unclear.” She leaned forward again, putting her elbows on her knees. “I am amazed you were able to make sense of it at all. A lesser mind would have been utterly destroyed by the process. You must be remarkably strong willed, Commander.”

It was Kaidan who interrupted again. “This isn’t helping us find Saren. Or the Conduit.”

Shepard looked to Kaidan who had leaned back and crossed his arms. Liara was already apologizing but Kaidan wasn’t paying attention to her, rather, his eyes had picked a spot on the floor.

They’d have to talk about that later. For now, Liara could be useful. “I think we’ll be a lot better off if we bring you along.”

Liara stood, coming up to Shepard happily. “Thank you, Commander! Saren might come after me again and I can’t think of anywhere safer then on your ship. And my knowledge of the Protheans may be useful later on.”

Wrex grinned from his seat. “And her biotics will come in handy when a fight breaks out.”

There was an almost inaudible grumble from Kaidan, but Shepard ignored him. “Welcome aboard.”

“Thank you, Commander. I am very grateful—whoa.” She wobbled a bit and Shepard reached out to steady her on instinct. “I’m sorry. I’m afraid I am feeling a bit lightheaded.”

Whatever had Kaidan in a huff dissipated immediately at the asari’s distress. “When was the last time you ate? Or Spelt? Dr. Chakwas should take a look at you.”

Liara straightened on her own. “It’s probably just mental exhaustion and a bit of shock at discovering the true fate of the Protheans… Still it couldn’t hurt. Are we finished here, Commander.”

Shepard nodded. “We’ll talk again after you’ve had some rest. The rest of you; dismissed.”

Everyone went to leave, including Kaidan. “Lieutenant? Can you hang back a minute.” The man went ridged but he turned back anyway.

“I thought we were dismissed?”

“Is everything alright?”

Kaidan frowned, then nodded. “Oh, yeah, it’s fine.”

“Because if you’re going to have a problem with Liara coming on board, I’d like to know now.”

Confusion flashed through his brown eyes. “I… Right, I didn’t mean… I don’t know. It’s been a long mission, Commander.”

“Migraine?”

Kaidan laughed a little. “The size of Alaska.”

“Rest up, I just wanted to check in. You don’t usually pout so much during a debriefing.”

That earned him a scowl. “I did not pout.”

“You were.”

“You’re evil.”

“ _Rest up_ , LT.”

The little smile Kaidan gave him was totally worth it.

* * *

 

As it turned out Liara had a minor crush on him. He kept ignoring it because that was the professional thing to do. Of course ignoring his full blown, soulmatey thing with Kaidan was not going as well. He had a rotation going for the side missions. No favorites on his ship. But he spent a lot of time off duty simply near Kaidan, within ear shot at the very least.

Garrus said it was a little sad.

“Shut up, Vakarian.” They were in the hanger waiting to arrive on Feros. Shepard was busying his hands with Mako patience.

“Just saying if you’ve got a thing for your human subordinate it isn’t a big deal. Happens all the time on Turian ships.”

Shepard slid out to throw a wrench at him. Annoyingly enough the Turian caught it. Shepard slid back underneath. “Why are we friends?”

“I keep you grounded.”

“Eh.” Shepard finished tweaking the Mako’s transmission and wiped the grease from his hands on his uniform. “No one asked your opinion on my love life.”

“Look, he doesn’t have a soulmate, you don’t have a soulmate. Be free from the bonds of destiny together.” Shepard didn’t say anything and instead of dropping it Garrus wheeled him out from under the Mako. “Wait a minute, do you have a soul mate.”

“Please drop this.”

“Oh spirits did yours die?”

There wasn’t anyone else in the cargo hold right then. Ash and Wrex were up in the mess arm wrestling and the requisition officer was off duty. They were alone. “Garrus, if I tell you this, your entire stay on the Normandy will depend on your secrecy. Do you understand?”

He liked Garrus. He wanted to tell Garrus. But Garrus had to promise first.

“Understood, Shepard. Not a soul.”

Shepard nodded and opened his mouth. Nothing came out. He closed it, tried again and when it didn’t come out he let out a frustrated huff.

“That bad?” Garrus asked.

Instead of saying anything Shepard unbuttoned his collar and pulled it down to expose his clavicle.

Garrus read the name. Then he reread the name. “Well, shit. Wait, he said he doesn’t—“

“He doesn’t have a name. I do.”

“Shit.” Garrus’ laughed awkwardly. “I am so glad Turians have a one in a ten thousand chance of having a name.” When Shepard glared at him Garrus raised his hands in surrender. “But I won’t bug you about it anymore and I won’t tell anyone. Promise.”

“Thanks, Garrus.”

“No problem, Shepard.”

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this took forever.


	6. Chapter 6

Kaidan knew what the asari that came out of the Thorian intended to do. They had this ability to share thoughts and memories with other species. It was not an act they did lightly, especially with a stranger. The moment she said embrace eternity he felt a sharp, nasty turn in his stomach and the urge to throw her across the room with his biotics. Instead, he clenched his fists and hoped that Garrus didn’t say anything about it. The meld felt like it lasted a century. Just as Kaidan was about to break it himself they both came out of it, gasping. The asari looked horrified. “I’m so sorry, Commander. I didn’t—“

“I’m fine,” Shepard said through clenched teeth.

He did not sound fine but the asari composed herself. “I’ve given you the Cipher, just as it was given to Saren. The ancestral memories of the Protheans are a part of you now.”

“Are you okay? You don’t look so good. What did you see?” The commander looked about to throw up.

“Just… more visions. More things that don’t make sense.”

“It will take time to adjust. I’m sorry there was no other way.”

Shepard waved her off. “I know. I know. Thank you.”

The asari nodded. “I will return to the colony and do what I can for its people.”

Kaidan eyed her. “Yeah, you do that.” Her turned to the commander and put a hand on his shoulder. “Let’s get you back to the ship. You look about to pass out.”

Shepard gave him a soft smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. “Just… tired.”

They made their way back up to the colony. Saying their goodbyes, they boarded the Normandy and went straight into debriefing.

Liara was of course the first to say something about the commander’s condition. “You look… pale. Are you suffering any ill effects from the cipher?”

Shepard let out a long sigh. “It’s fine. I just need some time to sort it all out in my head.”

“I might be able to help. I’m an expert on the Protheans. If I join my consciousness to yours maybe together we—“

“Don’t you think the commander has had enough asaris poking around in his head for one day?” Everyone turned to Kaidan and it was only then that he realized he said it aloud. Shepard looked almost concerned.

“It’s okay, Kaidan.” Shepard stood going over to Liara. “We don’t have time for my own mind to figure it out on its own. “

Liara stood, nodding. “Just relax, Commander.” Kaidan gripped the seat of his chair until his knuckles were white. “Embrace eternity.”

They were quiet for a few more long moments before coming out of the meld, both gasping for air. Liara had the same look of horror the other asari. “That was… All this time. All my research. Yet I never dreamed. The visions were so vivid. I never imagined it was so intense. You are remarkable strong willed, Commander.” And there Liara went with that ton again. “A lesser mind would have destroyed a lesser mind.”

“Alright, you’ve said that before. Get to the point. What did you see?” Kaidan butted in. The rest of the crew was acting like it didn’t notice his annoyance.  He’d have been embarrassed about his outburst if he wasn’t so… well, annoyed.

“The beacon on Eden Prime must have been badly damaged. There are piece of the vision that are missing. The data transferred must have been incomplete.”

Shepard sighed. “Nothing? Any kind of clue as to where the Conduit is? Something we might have missed?”

“I know what you know. It’s a warning against the Reapers with large parts of it missing. Saren must have the missing information. Maybe another beacon? If we can fill in the missing piece—whoa.” Liara swayed where she stood. “Oh dear, I’m… the joining was a bit more taxing then I anticipated. I should probably head to the medical bay.”

Shepard waved her off. “Go lie down. We’re done here. Dismissed.” Everyone began filing out but Kaidan hung back. With the others gone he suddenly felt foolish. It was the only way to relay the information and to sort through it for answers. He wasn’t sure why it had bothered him. Of course, with the Commander looking dead on his feet, his annoyance was probably justified.

“Are you alright? Really?”

Shepard laughed a little. “I am exhausted. Liara and Shiala both had trouble rooting through my mind. They were… hesitant. Asari’s have certain taboos I wasn’t aware of. Both understood.” He turned those bright blue eyes on Kaidan, curious. “Did you need something though?”

Kaidan looked at his feet. “I wanted to apologize, sir. About my outbursts during the debrief.”

“Please tell me it’s not because she’s asari. I’ve had enough xenophobia on this crew to last a life time.”

“No! No, if anything asari are the aliens I’ve had the most contact with. I just… I don’t know if I trust her just yet, sir.”

Shepard squeezed Kaidan’s shoulder and he felt a flood of relief. “She’s a good kid. I know. She’s been in my mind.” He scratched the back of his neck. “I’ll admit her crush on my brain is a little… strange. But she’ll get over it.”

That was it. The thing that bugged him about Liara was infatuation with Shepard.  He felt himself pale. “Yeah, I’m sure it’ll pass. I should let you get to the council.”

“Wanna stick around and see me hang up on them again?”

“No. I’ll be alright.” And with that he beat a hasty retreat.

* * *

 

Shepard walked into Liara’s quarters to have Liara stand hastily. “Commander I want to apologize for—“

“No, Liara, it’s okay. There was no way to warn you and it needed to be done.”

“But for an asari to meld with one of the bound!  It’s forbidden in my culture!”

Shepard cringed. “Yeah, Shiala made that pretty clear.”

Liara frowned. “I didn’t get more then the feeling. It has only ever been described to me second hand. You keep the secret so close guarded, I didn’t even register a name. Only… only the feeling of dark space being warped around your mind. You are joined to another and it hurts you. It made our joining difficult.”

“It’s a long story and the mission takes priority. Not many people know I have a soulmate.”

Liara pondered the word. “Soulmate. That is an interesting way to describe it.”

“If you could… not tell anyone. I would be forever grateful.”

She looked appalled. “Why are you shamed by this? To be joined is to be blessed by the goddess! It’s sacred… it’s…” When she ran out of words she just gestured with her hands. “It’s… Why do you deny this part of you?”

Shepard let out a long sigh. He seemed to be sighing a lot these days. “It is complicated. The short version being that the one I am joined to is not… they don’t have my name on them.”

Liara looked stricken. “Is that… a common thing for humans?”

“No.”

“Oh Shepard, I am so sorry.” Her posture said she wanted to give him a hug and he hoped beyond hope she didn’t. He was so tired of telling people this and getting their pity.”

“I’ll be fine. Really. They’re never far away. That the funny thing about destiny. You can’t escape it.”

Liara didn’t look so certain.

 

 

 


	7. Chapter 7

“I heard the captain’s soulmate died on Akuze.”

Kaidan froze. He’d been walking down the stairs to the mess when he heard it. Rosamund and her sister were at the table. Kaidan pretended not to hear as he went over to his station.

Talitha sighed. “That’s not what I heard. He’s a blank. It makes total sense.”

Rosamund leaned into and lowered her voice, probably meaning only her sister to hear. “It can’t be. I heard Liara mumbling the other day. She was totally freaking out. Apparently she did that asari mind thing with the captain and he’s totally got a soulmate. Asari are not about melding with people who have soulmates. To them it’s like, sacred—since it doesn’t happen with a lot of asari. I read about it in my xenoanthropology class I took while on study abroad on Illium.”

“Which I haven’t forgotten you not telling me the application deadline for—“

“Whatever.” Rosamund interrupted. “My point is why have we never heard of the captain having a soulmate if he’s got one?”

Kaidan was trying to not listen. Gossip was harmful to moral and they weren’t in high school. But the sisters kept going. Talitha was unimpressed. “Maybe he hasn’t found them yet. May they’re an alien, or they haven’t been born. Or the most likely option, the commander is a private person.”

Williams rounded the corner from the elevator.  “Don’t you two have better things to do then speculate over the captain’s affairs?”

“No,” they said in unison.

Williams huffed. “Wow, it’s like there’s an echo in here or something. Getting this bullshit in surround sound.”

The sisters gaped at her. Rosamund turned bright red. “You can’t tell me you’re not curious.”

Ash laughed. “I respect the commander’s privacy. Just because you two parade your names around like a fashion accessory doesn’t mean we all have to.”

With that the two left in a hurry, grumbling low at they made their way back up to the CIC.

Williams walked over to him. “Those two weren’t annoying you with their gossip were they?” Kaidan raised an eyebrow and Ash leaned on his station. “You could ask him, you know. Fifty credits says he tells you.”

That didn’t seem likely. He turned back to his station. “Right. I can see that going well. What if they did die on Akuze? What if it causes him pain to even think about it?”

Ash shrugged. “Trust me, it’s the kind of pain he shouldn’t have to bare a lone.”

She went to leave but Kaidan stopped her with a hand on her shoulder. “Wait—“

“He was on Eden Prime with me. He died before he could be made into a husk. It was a better death then some people got.” Shaking off the hand on her shoulder she went to leave for the sleeping pods. Kaidan suddenly had a lot to think about.

Before he could ask if she wanted to talk about it the intercom came on. “Change of plans, everyone. New intel came in from the Citidel. We’re headed for the Hoc system. I need the away team prepped by 1600 hours for briefing.”

Ash smirked. “Well that’s us. Wonder what info made us divert from going after Benezia.”

“They must have a lead on Saren.”

“We can only hope, LT.”

 

* * *

 

 

Shepard froze where he was, the realization of the decision he was about to make stopping him in his tracks.

 “It’s done, Commander. Go get the lieutenant and get the hell out of here.” Ash cried over the radio.

“Belay that! We can handle ourselves. Go back and get, Williams.”

This was it. This was the moment he had dreaded since the Normandy left fucking port.

Williams was the logical choice. Securing the bomb site was the most important objective right now. He could only save one. Only one.

Letting Kaidan die would send him to an early grave. He was sure. There wasn’t even anything romantic to their relationship, but his very existence counted on Kaidan’s. He knew this would happen and he didn’t even have the balls to warn any of them.

He still didn't. 

“Kaidan… Radio Joker and tell him to meet us on the AA tower.”

“Yes, Commander, I—“ Kaidan stuttered over the comm. Shepard could hear the confusion and uncertainty in his soulmates voice. There was a question in there that the lieutenant didn’t know how to ask. Shepard could only hope he never figured it out.

Ash chimed in then. “You know it’s the right choice, LT.”

But was it? He couldn’t tell anymore. “Ash… Ash, I’m sorry.”

There was a moment of silence before her response came in; the faintest hint of a smile was in her voice.  “I understand, Commander. I don’t regret a thing.”

“Shepard, it’s suicide. Go—“

“I’ve made my decision, Alenko. Just hold on ‘til we get there.” That had come out a lot harsher then Shepard had intended. He ran like a dying man. Kaidan needed to survive. Every bone in him vibrated as he booked it to the STG squad and his soulmate.

His soulmate.

The thought of Kaidan in danger was enough to have him leaving Garrus and Wrex in the dust. A sickening thrill shot through him. He’d have sacrificed a hundred, a thousand crew mates for Kaidan. His ship, the crew, the galaxy. The reapers could have it if it meant he saved Kaidan. Geth got in his way and he let his biotics rip through them like blades of blue fire.

When they first tell you about finding your soulmate, it’s all about how they complete you. How the universe inscribed their name on your body and your soul and it’s all so fucking divine and beautiful.  Nobody brings up how you don’t have a choice. No one mentions the price of such a bond. You pick them over everything; family, friends, logic, reason, your own life.

And how that eats away at you that you don’t feel more torn. And no one blames you; everyone just immediately understands. They’re your soulmate. Of course you let anyone else burn so that they can live. Never mind the cost.

They got there and the STG had only sustained a few loses. Kaidan looked tired but whole. That’s when Saren arrived and Shepard threw everything he had at him. But the former Spectre got away.  They all hoofed it for the Normandy and Shepard wanted to hold Kaidan and never let him go. He wanted to wrap his arms around the marine and squeeze til he broke something.

But instead he went up to the bridge. He needed to see. He needed to _watch_.

When they watched the explosion decimate the compound, there was a silence that echoed though the ship. No one seemed to know what to say. Shepard couldn’t look away.

He could tell himself there was no time. That there was a logic to going after Kaidan—it saved not only his soulmate but the Salarian squad.

But deep down he knew that it wouldn’t have mattered. Garrus came up behind him and put a hand on his shoulder.

Shepard didn’t have to know Garrus to know the look on his face was one of pity.

He was getting so tired of everyone’s fucking pity.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know right that's two updates in a week what am i doing


	8. Chapter 8

They headed back to the Citadel to rejoin the fleet and Kaidan armored up to join Shepard and Garrus to address the Council.

It went south.

Far south.

By the time they got back to the Normandy and back out of armor Shepard was just hanging by the lockers near the mess, sitting on the floor with his back to wall. Kaidan could only imagine his frustration. They’d just lost Ash and had no time to even mourn her before. Now their best chance at getting back at Saren was stuck at the Citadel with them.

“Hey, I’m sure there’s a way to appeal. We’re under Alliance authority after all, not the Council’s.”

Shepard leaned his head back and closed his eyes. “Official channels are closed. The Council made that perfectly clear.”

“And we’re suppose to accept that?” Shepard said nothing. He didn’t even move. Kaidan felt like he wanted to punch something. Like all of the Councilors. “ So where do you think the best view will be when the Reapers role through? If we have to sit it out may as well get a good seat, right?”

That got Shepard smirking. Enemies lining up like a firing squad but here Kaidan is, cracking jokes to get his commander to smile.

“We’re out of the game for now. I just need you to be there while I figure things out.”

Kaidan nodded. “You can count on me, or any of the crew for that matter.”  
  
Shepard finally looked up at him with an eye roll. “Come on. I can get a salute from anyone on this ship. Sometimes I need a shoulder.”

Kaidan let out a little nervous chuckle. “Yeah, I always leave a way out don’t I?” He looked back and Shepard was smiling softly at him. “I’m here for you. There. Are we clear?"  
 

Shepard laughed. “Crystal.”

Kaidan ran a hand down his face. “Ugh, good, at least something is. Like, are we the pride of the fleet or not? Are we valued agents or just peons?”

Shepard laughed again, louder this time. “Can’t just pull out a good old fashioned ‘it’ll be alright’ can you?”

Kaidan felt his cheeks heat up and he looked away. “Oh it’s that easy huh? Okay then.” He crouched down to be level with Shepard, looking him in the eyes. “Everything will be fine, Shepard. You’ll figure it out.” It came out sincere. Which was good because Kaidan meant it. If anyone could get them through this it was Shepard.

“Now that wasn’t so hard, was it?”

Kaidan made a face before straightening. “I’ll just have to get use to it. Looks like we’ve got some downtime.” He offered Shepard a hand up off the floor and his Commander took it. He heaved him up and Shepard stumbled forward a bit, suddenly very much in Kaidan’s space.

Their eyes met and neither moved. Kaidan felt frozen in place by Shepard’s ice blue eyes. The world seemed to narrow, and breathing became hard. The weight of what he saw in those eyes, something heavy and terrifying, rooted him to the spot. The only thing that moved was his hand as it gripped Shepard’s tighter.

“Sorry to interrupt, Commander. Got a message from Captain Anderson.”

Shepard pulled back like he’d been burned. “Where you spying on us Joker?”

“Ugh, no sir? Just knew you were on the ship and figured I’d pass the message on.  Captain said to meet him at Flux, that club down in the Wards.” The intercom cut back out and Shepard ran a hand down his face.

“I… You’d probably better go. Captain may have news.”

Shepard nodded, not looking at him. “Yeah. I’ll be back soon.” He left without looking back

Once the Commander was gone Kaidan smacked his palm to his forehead. “It’s the stress and the grief. You’ve got to pull it together, Kadian.” Suddenly a deep laugh came from behind him and he spun to see Wrex coming from the elevator to the cargo bay. “Got something to say, Krogan?”  
  


“Nah, I’m just enjoying watching you two prance around each other like… like… I don’t know but not two grown humans.” Wrex opened a locker and pulled out a ration packet, before dumping it in his mouth.  


Kaidan huffed. “Clearly you haven’t seen many full grown humans then.”  


The krogan shrugged. “Whatever helps you sleep at night.” He grabbed another packet and shoveled it in his mouth. “Big fight right around the corner and all that pent up shit is gonna bite you in the ass. Say Saren shows up and everything goes sideways? One of you doesn’t make it and all this shit is left to stew. Trust me, I’ve seen it before.”

Kaidan sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “Please drop it.”  


Wrex shrugged again, before heading back down to the elevator.  


Kaidan didn’t know what was wrong with him. Shepard was great and all but… what was he doing. The guy was his commander and he probably had a soulmate. Kaidan was blank. If people had names on them for a reason people were blank for a reason.  
 

All the doubt inside him and still he felt pulled to Shepard. Like something wasn’t quite clicking when it should but if he just kept at it maybe… When Shepard got back from meeting with Anderson… Maybe then. It wasn’t like they were going anywhere.  
  


And of course that’s when they stole the Normandy and made a beeline for the Terminus systems. Shepard holed himself up in his room like he thought the crew might mutiny. Not that anyone wanted to. Kaidan paced outside trying to think of what to say. The crew on the level were pretending they didn’t see him and failing.  


With a deep breath he hit the button and the doors let him in. “Commander?” His voice had the nervous tilt to it that he had hoped wouldn’t come across. Shepard was sitting at his desk, still in Alliance uniform. He quickly closed out of whatever he was doing.  


“Probably shouldn’t call me that.” He turned and looked at Kaidan, smirking. “We probably shouldn’t even be wearing the uniforms.”  


Kaidan put his hand to his chin in thought. “Funny thing… We broke our oath to the Alliance so we could… keep our oath to the Alliance. What happens if this doesn’t work out? We mutinied, stole an Alliance prototype warship, if they wanna get technical they could throw in kidnapping. Hell of an example of humanity's best and brightest.”  
 

Shepard smirked. “Well, we’re doing the right thing. At least that’s what I keep saying to myself and I almost believe me.”  


Kaidan smiled. “Well I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t believe it.” There was a pause. “It’ll really hit the fan when we get to Ilos and… I just… I wanted to say well… I’ve enjoyed serving under you.”  


For a moment Shepard’s face went blank. “Thanks, Kaidan.” He looked out over his quarters before looking back at Kaidan. “You know if they try to arrest us we could always just run. I think we’d make a hell of a pirate crew.”  


Kaidan laughed leaning against the nearby wall. “We should probably take a vote on that. Not sure Liara is up for the pirate life.”  


“Really what is it with you and Liara? You said it’s not the Asari thing. I’ve been in her head. She’s a good kid. If you gave her a chance I bet you’d like her.”  


Kaidan shrugged. “Probably just not over that her mom kept trying to kill us.” That wasn’t true. He knew what it was. It was how she looked at Shepard when he wasn’t looking that put him on edge. He’d never been the jealous type. “Shepard I... did you… Do you have a soulmate?”  


Suddenly Shepard froze. “What?”  


Kaidan looked away, trying not to panic. “It’s just… most humans do. I mean I don’t, everybody blames the L2 implant, but most people do and you never talk about it and you’re always… sad. Distant. Ash was like that and her soulmate died on Eden Prime.”  


“They did?”  


“Yeah… I keep wondering if she wanted to die. If she was just looking for the chance to make her death mean something. Our missions are damn near suicide and she was always eager to jump at the chance."  
 

The moment held in the air and Shepard seemed to be weighing his options. Finally, the commander sighed. “It’s… It’s complicated.”  


That wasn't exactly the answer Kaidan had wanted. How were soulmates complicated if they weren't dead? “Well… I won’t force you but if you need to talk about it… I don’t want another Ash on our hands okay? The galaxy needs you.”  


He looked into Shepard’s eyes and saw that look again. The one Shepard always got when Kaidan was sure he was a second away from telling him everything. If he pushed, his commander would crack. But Kaidan didn’t want to push. He was sure now that what was holding Shepard back was the name he had somewhere on him.  


Shepard sat straighter. “If we survive Ilos, I’ll tell you. I promise I’m not looking for death. After all this is said and done I’ll buy you a drink and tell you everything.”  


Kaidan felt like a weight had been let off his shoulders. “Okay… Yeah, that sounds great.” It actually kind of sounded like a date and that honestly sounded better. “Get some rest. There’s enough time before we get to Ilos for a nap.”  


Shepard nodded but was clearly distracted. That was fine. Kaidan knew when to back off. He left, feeling better than he had before. After that, Saren would be a walk in the park.  
 

Or at least that’s what he kept telling himself.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: this chapter contains a description of character death.

In the month after the Battle for the Citadel Shepard didn’t have time to sleep let alone sit down with Kaidan and tell him he was his soulmate. It seemed to become an on running joke with Kaidan. They’d go out on a mission and the geth would attack, things would look bad and Kaidan would just smile and say, “Don’t forget you owe me a drink.” The day would eventually be saved and it was off to the next cluster of geth. Shepard just wanted to blurt it out one day. Just say he was Kaidan’s soulmate and be done with it and see where that went. After their moment back on the Normandy, before they mutinied and stole a war ship… Shepard thought maybe Kaidan wouldn’t be so unhappy about it.

They were something. He didn’t want to read too much into it but Kaidan must have felt something.

  
Sure Kaidan didn’t have Shepard’s name written on him anywhere but what did that matter.? There had to be a reason Shepard had his name on. There had to be a reason that they both ended up on the Normandy. How they ended up so close.

  
It was destiny… or something.

  
If having someone's name show up on your body when you come of age wasn’t destiny then what the hell was, right?

  
Then a ship came out of nowhere and attacked.

  
Shepard secured the crew and Kaidan in the evac shuttles, like any captain would. Kaidan was stubborn as usual. “Go. Now.” He all the command in his voice he could muster. There was no way he’d be able to focus on anything with Kaidan in danger.

  
“Yes, sir.” Kaidan ran to secure the rest of the crew.

  
Shepard turned back and hurried as fast as he could to the cockpit. Joker was there, still scrambling to save the ship. “I won’t abandoned the Normandy. I can still save her.”

  
“The Normandy is lost, Joker. No use going down with it.” Shepard didn’t like it either. But the Normandy could be rebuilt, maybe better even. The crew and her pilot could not be replaced.

  
Joker stared at the console a second more before he deflated. “Okay, help me up.” He hulled Joker out of the chair and over to the evac shuttle. They were almost at the doors when they came around for another attack. Shepard got Joker in before the force of the Normandy ripping apart pulled him away.

  
“Commander!”

  
Shepard was slipping, slipping fast. He did the only thing he could, hit the button to launch the shuttle. “Shepard!”

  
The explosion knocked him hard against the hull then he was out in space, floating only sound a loud hiss.

  
His oxygen was leaking. He struggled, fighting to breath. The air was escaping too quickly.

  
He was going to die out here. Spaced. That was a shitty way to go.

  
Suddenly it was like he was aware of dying but also not dying. Like he was outside himself looking in, screaming and cursing. His biotics fluctuated but there just wasn’t enough oxygen. He hoped Kaidan would be alright.

His lungs were on fire, he couldn't breath no matter how much he tried.  It was agony.  
  
The screaming in his head continued but he didn't have the strength to struggle anymore, peacefully floating away letting the knowledge that the man he loved was safe and would live help him through the pain.

  
Then everything went black.

* * *

Kaidan felt the evac shuttle lurch under them. A massive migraine was coming on. It was worse than usual, probably from the stress of trying not to die. They hit the surface of the planet hard, then they tipped so that Kaidan’s side was hanging in their seats. Carefully he unstrapped himself and jumped down. “Is everyone--” but halfway through his sentence the air left his lungs… or no, it felt like it had. He gasped and felt the air enter but at the same time… At the same time it was like he couldn’t get enough air. His lungs felt like they were on fire and his biotics sparked along his suit. He tried to calm down, if he could just focus maybe--  


All at once he knew what was happening. It was like the ground fell out from under him and a deep sinking dread was pulling him down. He scrambled to the door, trying to open it. “Shepard!”

  
The others were calling his name and trying to unstrap themselves enough to stop him. He didn’t notice. The mechanism to open the doors was jammed and in his blind panic he’d began to use his hands to pry them apart. His biotics flared around him. Those painful breaths were Shepard’s. As long as he felt those Shepard was alive. He could save him, if he could only just get out there. Never mind that he was still in space above the planet. Kaidan didn’t know how or why but he could feel it. All he could do was scream and curse. He felt it. Every ragged breath, the immense pain.

  
Shepard was dying.

  
Nothing and no one else mattered in that moment. It was like all the feelings he’d been denying and fighting were on the surface and threatening to tear him apart.

  
“Shepard! No! Shepard, hold on! Please!”

  
One of his crew had gotten loose from their harness and came forward to try and stop him but his biotics kicked him back. Kaidan began wildly lashing at the door with his biotics until finally it gave and he ran out. The Normandy was just a dot in the sky but the feeling was worse outside the evac shuttle.

  
“Shepard!” Tears he barely registered flowed down his cheeks in his helmet. The hole in the shuttle was filled by a kinetic barrier almost immediately.

  
Even through the pain Shepard was in, Kaidan felt something else and he just knew… Shepard loved him.

  
Then, as suddenly as it had came, it was all gone and Kaidan fell silent, dropping to his knees. There was nothing but a hollow ache as his universe collapsed in on itself. He bent forward, his forehead pressed to the ground. “No, no, please… John.”

  
Then he screamed. The long deafening scream of a man who’d lost everything. His biotics flared under and around and through him, licking at his suit and the snow and the hull of the shuttle like bright blue flames. It felt like it went on for an eternity. When his voice wouldn’t go anymore he sobbed. His skin burned at his collar bone and lungs ached and his eyes stung. Everything felt wrong. Standing, he stumbled blindly across the charred surface he had made around him and out into the snow of the planet, leaving scorch marks in his wake.

  
In those last moments, Shepard had thought of him.

  
Of how much he loved Kaidan.

  
Kaidan knew it was his fault. He shouldn’t have let Shepard go back for Joker. He should have kept him safe.

  
He should have just let himself love Shepard like he wanted.

  
Now Shepard was gone.

  
It was all Kaidan’s fault. He didn’t want to go on. Not without Shepard. There was nothing for him in the galaxy anymore. He ran and kept running, a dim distant part of him thinking if he ran far enough he’d find the edge and could end it all. A smoldering pain burned at him as if from the inside. He stumbled and fell to the earth hard, the burn still there.  


It was only as he felt it all begin to fade out that he wondered how it was possible. How he could feel Shepard die in the dark space above the planet. Why fate had allowed him to bear witness to it, even if it was just in his mind.

  
The last thing he heard before passing out was the sound of a shuttle approaching.


	10. Chapter 10

Kaidan awoke slowly blinking in the bright white light of what was clearly a hospital. It had that distinct hospital smell combination of sterile and stale. He tried to sit up but couldn’t muster the strength. His chest was bandaged near his collarbone and his hands had minor burns that were healing. Then he remembered; the crash, the pain, Shepard.

  
He didn’t try to sit up again. Whatever happened on that planet he knew without being told Shepard was dead. It had been too real to be anything else. He wanted to cry or to scream again.

  
A nurse hurried in. “Welcome back,” she said gently. She hit the button for the intercom. “Tell Dr. Renise that he’s awake.” Turning back to Kaidan she smiled. “You’ve been out for eighteen hours. We were getting worried. Do you know your name?”

  
He nodded. “Staff Lieutenant Kaidan Leon Alenko. Alliance.” His voice sounded raspy like a smokers.  
  


The nurse nodded. “Alright, how old are you?”

  
“Thirty two.”

  
She nodded. “That’s a good sign. You’ll get a more indepth eval later but first we’d better get you some food. Most of your injuries were minor, biotic burns on your hands, a and you blew you biotic implant but it's nothing that'll keep you here much longer.”

  
Kaidan nodded. Another woman entered as the nurse left. She had a tray of food and set it in front of him before. She raised the incline on his bed so he wouldn’t have to sit up himself and he too a tentative bite. “My name is Dr. Nicole Renise… I know you’ve only just woke up but you know the Alliance. They want answers no matter what condition their soldiers are in.”

  
Kaidan nodded again. “You want to know what happened to the Normandy.”

  
Dr. Renise sat in the chair next to his bed. “I was… actually I’m here about what happened to you.”

  
Kaidan put the fork back down. “I… I don’t know.”

  
“The other crew described you as wild… uncontrollable. If the wreckage is anything to go by did things with biotics that were well out of your perceived skill range.”

  
“I lost control.” He didn’t want to keep talking but she didn’t say anything so he did. “I remember… pain and not feeling like I could breath when I could… and I just knew-- I just knew Shepard was dead.”

  
“Do you know how you knew that?”

  
Kaidan shook his head. “All I knew was J-- the Commander was dying and I… I couldn’t.” Suddenly his chest burned under the bandage and he put a hand to it. “What is--?”

  
“It may be best to unwrap that now.” She came forward and took off the bandage meticulously.

When they were gone Kaidan looked down at his chest and froze. The letters John Shepard looped down from his shoulder to under his collar. It looked like it had been burned into his skin. Tears welled up in eyes. “Doc, what--? What is that?”  
  


Dr. Renise looked about to cry herself. “That’s a soul name. I’ve been working in the Soul Office for fifteen years and I’ve never heard anything like this. The inside of your armor was melting from the heat of it.” Kaidan didn’t know what to say to that. It sounded made up. He was pretty sure this was a bad bad dream. The doctor went on. “John never told you, did he?”  
  


“Told me what?”  
  


She pulled up a file on her Omni tool. “When Shepard registered with our office he was eighteen and had just enlisted. I was assigned his case; find his soulmate with only a name. It’s a logistical nightmare half the time and Shepard’s was especially difficult. Tturned out the guy had fallen off the grid before he turned eighteen but I was determined to keep a lookout. Shepard came by my office all the time, excited for news and never disappointed if I didn’t have any. Luck had it that the guy signed up for the Alliance a year later. But instead of registering John Shepard with our office, he had no soul name.”

  
Kaidan didn’t understand.

  
“I dug deeper in the next day. It wasn’t possible. I got confirmation from whoever gave him the physical exam. I thought it must have been a mistake. But no. No name. How do you tell a nineteen year old orphan that his one guarantee of a person who should, in theory, love him forever and no matter what, didn’t know he existed and was free to do what he wanted?”   
  


Kaidan was going to be sick.  
  


“We put him through counseling as vigourous as if he was a surviving partner. Left it up to him what to do with the name he bore. Anderson contacted me as soon as he learned he’d assigned you both for the Normandy but at that point it was too late.”

  
Kaidan wasn’t really listening because he knew this part of the story.

  
“There have been cases of a soulmate dying and their partner knowing it was happening, even feeling it happen, then dropping dead at the same instant even though they were perfectly healthy. I think… I think you survived that. You’d be the first. Your biotic potential multiplied by three at the least, and you were a recorded prodigy before. You could probably hold your own now against even the most adept Asari commando. I know a lot of people who’d want to study you.”  
  


“I know this is your field and all but I’ve been a blank for fourteen years. Blank. This is a mistake.” She pulled up a picture of a young shirtless Shepard. Kaidan’s breath caught at the sight of his name loud and proud in the same spot Shepard’s was on his chest now. Shepard was smiling and happy in a way Kaidan had only seen in his recruitment photo.  
  


“I know this is a lot. As the soulmate of my case you are considered my charge. I had to appeal for it, since your case is unique, but I knew the most about Shepard's case and it was sealed for everyone else. I've managed to seal your records in the matter too.”

  
Kaidan tore his eyes away from the picture of Shepard to stare at her. “Why would you do all that? You don’t know me.”  
  


She smiled sadly, looking down at the photo on her omni tool. “Because you’ve been through enough. Because Shepard meant a great deal to me and... I felt I failed him. I'm not gonna fail you too.”   
  


Kaidan took a long shaky breath. “Why didn’t he just tell me?”  
  


She sighed. “From what I've seen, no one really believes the person attached to the name on their skin could ever possibly love them. Like it was all one big mistake.”  
  


Something dark and sickening twisted in his stomach as he was hit with a realization. “He let Ash die to save me.”  
  


That made the doctor glare at him. “And he probably felt guilty that for him it wasn’t even a choice. And he'd make it over and over again. It's a part of the bond people learn to accept. He couldn't have let you die.”  
  


“And even after that he didn't tell me.”  
  


Then she looked a bit uncomfortable. “He was in a unique position. He could try and win your affection on his own, instead of everything just clicking how it should. If what you did to the evac shuttle was any indication, it worked.”

  
Kaidan looked down at his food.   
  


She stood from her chair with a sigh. “Eat. I’m gonna go write up my report. Once you're released for your physical injuries there will be a lot of counseling. After that you'll have some mandatory personal leave.” She left the room. If the names were there for a reason, then he was destined to only ever love a ghost? How was that fair? Kaiden didn't eat, instead curling up into a ball. He didn't cry.   
  


It occurred to Kaidan the doctor hadn't told him about the Normandy. How many didn't make it? Who else would he have to mourn? Then there was the crew in his evac shuttle. Had they made it despite the damage he’d done? Would they look at him differently after witnessing what he did? Someone had taken his omni tool as well so there was no way to find out.

  
Kaidan pulled the hospital sheet tighter, suddenly exhausted. The pain at his collarbone flared again but he ignored it as he tried to sleep. 


	11. Chapter 11

Garrus came by just before Kaidan was scheduled for release from the hospital. He’d been there a week, keeping himself busy with reading up on the fallout of the Normandy's destruction. Everyone and everything seemed to have an opinion on Shepard now. Kaidan was wearing his own pajamas, brought over by Dr. Renise at his request. She was assigned to personally look over his psychological recovery herself. Being a what she kept calling a unique case had its perks. Not a single news outlet reached out to him, or if they did their messages were being intercepted. Kaidan was becoming more and more grateful for her.   
  


Garrus wasn’t his first visitor by any means but he was the first Kaidan actually wanted to see. He’d been friendly with a lot of the crew but with the amount of missions he went on with Shepard and Garrus he felt the turian might be the closest to someone he’d call a close friend.    
  


Which was funny given his history with turians.   
  


“You look like someone put you through a blender that was on fire.”    
  


Kaidan rolled his eyes. “You always know what to say to make a guy feel special.”   
  


“How’ve you been, Kaidan? None of that sugar coating that you gave Tali and Liara. That is the idiom right?” Garrus sat in what was usually Dr. Renise’s seat and leaned forward, elbows on his knees.   
  


“Fine, you want the truth? I’m really, really shitty. Everything is so messed up.”   
  


Garrus nodded. “Yeah, I may have heard a little about that melt down you had planet-side. I’m guessing they’re gonna keep you from duty for a while.”   
  


Kaidan laughed bitterly. “Oh yeah. And they’re right. I don’t even know if I want to be Alliance anymore.” He didn’t mention that he really didn’t want to be anything anymore, but that kind of morbid outlook would probably land him four extra weeks of counseling if he said anything.   
  


“That bad?”   
  


Kaidan nodded. “Yeah. Turns out, Shepard was my soulmate.” He hadn't told anyone. He hadn't had the words to explain it but he knew if anyone wouldn't force an answer is was Garrus. His friend didn’t say anything, no emotion showing in his alien features. Kaidan’s eyes narrowed. “You knew.”   
  


Garrus rubbed the back of his neck. “Shepard made me promise. I’m not one for breaking my friend’s confidence. We didn’t talk about it. He just showed me your name after I called him out on following you around like a lovesick teenager. I didn’t ask why he had a name and you didn’t. I put two and two together that it wasn’t an easy situation.” Kaidan looked out the window with a sigh. Then he pulled down the collar of  his shirt enough to reveal the name. Garrus went silent. “That's new.”   
  


“Yeah, some force beyond our comprehension decided it be a good idea to brand a reminder of everything I've lost into my skin.”   
  


“That’s some cruel shit the universe pulled on you two.” Kaidan nodded again, absentmindedly. “I know I only just came by but… I’m leaving the Citadel. Heading out to the Terminus systems. I’m tired of the this bureaucratic bullshit here.”   
  


“I bet. What's your aim? Piracy? Vigilante justice? ”    
  


“Haven't really decided. Just wanted to say goodbye. I didn’t say it enough but you’re a damn good friend and a better soldier. You could come join me, after the mandatory therapy they’ve probably got you signed up for. Gonna need people I can trust out there.”   
  


He sighed. “I don’t know what I’m gonna do. But I appreciate it.” Liara had said something similar minus the offer to join her. She had some secret project she wasn't telling anyone about too. Tali was going back to the fleet. Wrex had fallen off the grid. Joker left the Alliance and no one knew where he was. Seemed like his list of people he could count on was getting shorter and shorter. “Might head home for a while. See the family. My mom’s been worried sick.”    
  


Garrus nodded. “That's a good idea.”   
  


“Can I be honest with you? Dr. Revise is great but… I don't think I'm fixable, Garrus.”   
  


“I told you, Kaidan. I'll listen to the ugly truth. Even the stuff that would have that doctor of yours putting you away for good.”   
  


Kaidan took a deep breath looking at his hands.“If you had asked me a couple months back where I'd be right now, I couldn't have dreamed this is where I'd be or that I could even feel this much.” He clenched and relaxed his fingers a little. “It's like someone flipped a switch in my brain. Like there's this dark empty abyss in me that wasn't there before and I just know that's where Shepard was suppose to be. Everything is wrong and it’s getting worse.”   
  


The turian's eyes got a bit wider, clearly concerned. “I don't know a lot about soul mates but I don't think you're suppose to feel it like that.” 

  
Kaidan laughed a little. “Yeah, I was suppose to die. Everyone else who has had to feel their soul mate die was lucky enough to die with them.”

Garrus reached out and put a hand on his shoulder.   


  
He wondered what it reason the universe could have for letting him live if Shepard didn't. It couldn't have been a very good one.

 

* * *

  
When he was released Dr. Renise allowed him to do the counselling remotely in order to let him go back to Earth. His shuttle landed and he sent his mother a quick message to let her know he was on his way. It was around dinner time when he showed up at the door, knocking.

  
She looked the way he remembered. Light brown hair going grey at the temples, lighter brown eyes filled with surprise. “Kaidan! My baby boy, what are you doing here! Last I heard you were on the Citadel.”

  
Kaidan rushed forward and hugged her tight. Suddenly unable to hold back tears. He immediately felt safer then he had since the Normandy’s destruction.

  
“It’s alright. It’ll be alright. I’ve got you.” And she did. She held him tighter and didn’t let go. They must have stood there for long enough his dad came looking for them. He didn’t say anything, just came forward and hugged them both. “You don’t have to tell us anything you don’t want to. But if you need a shoulder, you’ve got us. You always have.”

“I know. I could use that right now.”

  
His dad nodded. “You on leave then? Not surprising after losing you ship.”  
  


“Yeah, mandatory medical leave.” His mom pulled back looking him over as if she’d find one of his limbs missing. “Whoa, ma, no not… Not that kind of medical. I’ve got a story you’re not gonna believe.”   
  


He told them after dinner. They sat down in the living room and he told them. About the Normandy and the geth and Saren and the Reapers.

  
And Shepard.

  
He cut down his description of his meltdown on the planet to the basics but his mother still looked like she thought he might combust at any moment.

  
“So this Shepard… he was…” His mom didn’t seem to know how to ask. He undid his collar and pulled it down enough to show his name. She gasped.

  
His dad whistled. “That’s a cruel fate if I ever heard one.”

  
“You’re not the first to say it. I wish you could’ve met him. He was… he was amazing. But since my case is unique, a point my doctor loves to reiterate every ten minutes, I will need mandatory counseling every other day. She did agree that I should spend it here. If you guys will have me.”

His mother took his hand. “Of course, you can stay here.”   
  


Kaidan looked between his two parents, seeing the love and acceptance in their eyes, and regretted ever wishing he’d died with Shepard. He was lucky to have them.


	12. Chapter 12

_Kaidan saw a bright white light shining above him as he began to come to. The faint sound of a heart rate monitor beeping in the room. A man was talking, it started out muffled. “My God Miranda, I think he’s waking up.” Kaidan tried to move, looking around. A woman with dark hair and a white suit came to his side._

_“Damn it, Wilson he’s not ready yet. Give him the sedative.” She looked at him. “Shepard. Don’t try to move. Try to stay calm.” At the name Shepard, Kaidan panicked. That wasn’t right. What was going on, where was he?_

_The man was next to him now. “Heart rate still climbing, brain activity is off the charts. Stats pushing into the red zone. It’s not working!”_

_He watched her push the man out of the way. “Another dose. Now!” He felt himself falling asleep again. Slowly. He couldn’t her what she said next but she leaned over him. Her eyes an unreal blue._

Kaidan shot up in his bed, breathing heavily. He was alone in his quarters.

That hadn’t been just a dream. It was too real. What had that been? That couldn’t be…

It had been two years since Shepard had died. A year since the nightmares stopped. He’d been through all the stages of grief you can go through. Sometimes doubling back. He’d been sober and a drunk (well as much as a drunk you can be when you had his kind of biotics). He’d changed everything in his old routines. He’d talked to his family and friends. He’d broken and put himself back together more times than he could count. All the while everyone saying there was no linear path to grief. But Kaidan had known it was over. There wasn’t anything more he could have done and he couldn’t change what happened. He’d even been on a date-- one of the doctors a Huerta Memorial he’d been friendly with when he went to visit Dr. Renise in the psych center.

It had been okay and he never called her again for a second date. Neither did she though so maybe they both knew it wasn’t going to work. He’d done it, though.

But that dream. It had to have been a dream. But…

The hole where Shepard use to be in his heart, that dark place that was always fighting to swallow him whole, for the first time in since Shepard died it didn’t feel as hollow. What did that mean? Two years and now this? It was impossible. That woman’s face. He’d never seen her before.

He pulled up the time it was on the Citadel before dialing Dr. Renise. “Huerta Psychological and Counseling Services, Dr. Renise speaking.”

“Hey, doc, it’s Kaidan.”

“Hey there! It’s been weeks. I thought you were making your way out to that colony?”

“I was. But you told me to call if anything changed, for better or worse. It changed… for more of the weird, I guess.”

He heard the sound of a chair leaning back a bit. “Okay? What’s wrong?”

“I just dreamed that I… I was waking up somewhere I’ve never been and surrounded by people I didn’t know. They called me Shepard and I couldn’t move and I guess they sedated me and I woke up.”

Dr. Renise took a moment. “I’ve only ever heard of the oldest Asari Matriarch pairs astral projecting like that.”

“So… It could have just been a bad dream.”

“Most likely.”

“But it’s different. I feel it. And you always told me to trust that.”

“I did. You’re right.” She sighed. “Kaidan, I’ve never heard of anything like this but your case is--”

“Unique. I know. I’ve been told.”

“Without any more information to go on I honestly don’t know how to advise… I’m sorry but let me know if it happens again. And if you feel any other major changes, alright? I’m going to do some research. If anything turns up I’ll let you know.”

“Thanks, doc.”

“Anytime, Kaidan. Take care of yourself.”

She hung up and Kaidan sighed. Laying back down in his bed with a flop. He knew it meant something. But Kaidan had felt him die. Shepard had been dead and every time Kaidan thought about it he could feel it…

But not now. Now all he felt was doubt and uncertainty.

People didn’t just come back to life. Not after dying like that and definitely not after two years. It was dangerous, that kind of hope. He might actually start to believe that Shepard was alive. He couldn’t afford it.

He closed his eyes, and waited to drift back to sleep. It had been a dream. Just a bad dream.

Right?

 

* * *

 

Shepard woke to the sound of an alarm, slowly and with a massive headache. He just wanted to go back to sleep. “Shepard do you hear me? Get out of that bed now. This facility is under attack.” The voice was loud and familiar, coming from over an intercom. He sat up just to get her to shut up and immediately wanted to go back to bed. Everything hurt… Until he remembered. The Normandy. Kaidan. Where was he? What had happened? “There’s a pistol in a locker on the other side of the room. Hurry!”

He got the pistol and put on the armor as quickly as he could, which would have been quicker if he wasn’t in pain from head to toe. He checked the pistol and groaned. “I’m gonna need a thermal clip.”

“It’s a med bay.” The woman’s voice sounded annoyed but she wasn’t the one being shot at with no ammo. He remembered her name from before. Miranda. She at least seemed to be trying to keep him alive but that didn’t mean Shepard trusted her. The mechs were persistent. When he lost contact with her and was on his own he routed around in some of the files.

One log had her face. It was definitely the woman from before. The guy, Wilson was suspicious at best.

Then he found another man shooting at the mechs. He took them out with a biotic blast. “Gravity is one mean mother huh?” Shepard shot another of the mechs and the guy saw him. “Shepard? What the hell?” They both ducked behind the railing. “What you doing here? Thought you were a work in progress.”

“Are you with Miranda?”

He looked a little embarrassed. “Oh sorry, forgot this is all new to you. I’m Jacob Taylor. I’ve been stationed here for-- dammit!” More mechs came through. “I’ll fill you in but we’ve gotta you to the shuttle first.”

“I know this isn’t the best time, but I’m sick of being in the dark. Is there an abridged version?”

Jacob sighed. “You and your ship were attacked and destoryed. You were killed. I’m not talking mostly dead. I’m talking dead as dead can be when they brought you here. Our scientists spent the last two years putting you back together. You’ve been comatose or worse that whole time… Welcome back to your life.”

Shepard had so many questions. “This doesn’t look like an Alliance facility.”

“It isn’t. I can’t say much more than that for now. The Alliance officially declared you killed in action. The whole galaxy thinks you’re dead. And if we don’t get to those shuttles they’re gonna be right.”

“Were there any other survivors from the Normandy?” He didn’t ask about Kaidan specifically even though he wanted to.

“I’ll make a deal with you. You help me finish off these mechs I’ll play twenty questions with you all day. We’re low on thermals but I’m a biotic so--”

Shepard stood extended and arm out toward the mechs and used his biotics to crush their heads. They all combusted. “Oh look, they’re gone.”

Jacob looked momentarily alarmed before laughing. “They weren’t kidding when they said you were something else.” He stood and put his gun on his belt. “Okay, I promised what do you want to know.”

Shepard frowned. “Alright, you said two years too… Fix my injuries. How bad was it?”

Jacob winced. “I’m not doctor but it was _bad_. When I first saw you? You were more meat and tubes then anything.”

“How? Cloning?”

He shook his head. “No clone. They wanted you exactly as you were. Project Lazurus was meant to bring you back… you just might have a few extra bits and pieces.”

“My crew? How many made it out?”

“Almost everyone, save a few of the crew on the lower deck and Navigator Pressly. Killed in an explosion, I think? Even the none Alliance crew made it.”

Shepard was afraid to ask but he did. “Do you know what any of them are doing now.”

Jacob shook his head. “That wasn’t my job. Probably moved on. Could be anywhere?”

He had more questions but he wanted to process this a bit more. Somehow he trusted Jacob… enough. “We should get to those shuttles.”

That’s when Wilson came over the radio and they head towards his location. Kaidan had made it out. They found Wilson and he was shady as a forest. When they took out the mechs in there way moving forward Jacob stopped Shepard. “Look, Shepard, if I tell you who we work for will you trust me?”

Wilson groaned. “Now really isn’t the time.”

“Yeah well it’s gonna be harder to watch his back if he’s expecting to be shot in it now isn’t it? Look the facility? The project that brought you back? It was funded by Cerberus.”

Shepard froze. He knew about Cerberus. “What? The pro human splinter group?”

“That what the Alliance wants people to think.” Shepard didn’t mention that it wasn’t what the Alliance had told him, but what he had witnessed first hand.

He didn’t like this.

But Jacob seemed okay, even if Miranda and Wilson set off red flags. Shepard had learned to trust his instincts over the years.

“Look I’m not working with terrorists. End of discussion.”

Jacob sighed. “You can tell it to the boss. First we’ve gotta get off the station.”

All he wanted to do was find Kaidan. Cerberus could take the express route to hell for all he cared.

_Hold on, I’m coming._


	13. Chapter 13

After Shepard was given the new Normandy and was settled in the second thing he did was try and contact Kaidan but his extranet account only pinged back that it was no longer active.

Shepard wasn’t sure if that was true or if it was the Illusive Man trying to keep Kaidan from him. Both seemed equally plausible. It had been two years. And of course the minute Cerberus was mentioned every Alliance person he ran into shut down. So Shepard kept moving. Always looking over his shoulder for some Cerberus goon to be ready with an omniblade or something.

It didn’t come and he found himself really enjoying his crew. Most of them were good people and his dossiers turned out to be amazing people. One of which was Garrus and he couldn’t be happier to have that familiar face. If Cerberus turned on him Shepard would need all the loyalty he could get. Jack was great too because she was powerful enough as a biotic and hated Cerberus as much as he did. They bonded over making quips about it at Miranda. While Grunt was a bit of an unknown at heart he was a krogan and Shepard knew how to handle them. Point them at a fight and they’ll fling themselves at it. For now it was the Collectors but if push came to shove he was sure Grunt would come through. The scientist, Mordin, was a bit on an unknown but was looking for a good cause. If Cerberus stopped being a good cause, Mordin was sure to turn on them.

But Kaidan was always there. In the back of his mind, like an itch you can’t quite reach. So when the Illusive Man told him about Horizon, he knew he couldn’t trust him.

After all of the crew he served with they Collectors went after his soulmate? How many people in the galaxy knew that information?

And of those people, who benefitted from Shepard’s involvement in the matter?

But naturally he went anyway, racing towards the colony as fast as his ship could take him.

Shepard had planned on approaching Kaidan calmly, ready for whatever Kaidan had to say about his being alive and on Horizon.

But then Kaidan came rushing around a storage crate and they stopped.

Shepard saw him and it was like meeting him for the first time all over again, breathing was difficult like the air was suddenly the consistency of soup and his heart wouldn't stop bounding. He almost didn't notice that Kaidan had bolted towards him. Shepard threw his arms around Kaidan’s neck as the other man grabbed him and nearly lifted him off the ground. He held Kaidan like the Reapers had already showed up and we're going to wipe them off the map at any second. Finally, after what felt like an eternity, he pulled back enough to cup Kaidan’s face. “I've been looking everywhere for you.”

“Wish I could say the same, but last I saw you you were dead. We all thought you were dead.”

Shepard felt his chest tighten. Kaidan looked older, bags heavy under his eyes. It was his doing and somehow he knew it. “I was. Everything has been so confusing and I don't know who to trust and I'm just so happy to see you.”

“How are you here?”

Shepard winced long and hard. “You are gonna hate this… Cerberus… Rebuilt me. And now they're using me to stop the Collectors.”

Kaidan pulled back but no completely letting him go. “What?”

“I don't like it either. But they gave me a ship and a crew that doesn't seem hell bent on killing all aliens. They even let me bring Garrus along.” He hitched a thumb over his shoulder in his squad mates direction. The turian gave a wave. “I have kind of been waiting for them to stab me in the back though.”

Miranda crossed her arms. “Thanks for the vote of confidence, Shepard.”

Kaidan looked at Miranda and his eyes went wide, and he finally let go of Shepard. “You're… Shepard, I wanted to believe your back. But Cerberus? You've seen what they did? What they're capable of?”

Shepard took a step forward to try and regain the distance but Kaidan took one back.

“Kaidan.”

“How do you know they haven't changed you? How do you know that haven't planted the idea in your head? If they can bring you back… What else can they do to you?”

Shepard’s gut clenched. “You're right. I don't know. All I know is the Alliance wasn't doing anything about the colonies and Cerberus wanted to give me the tools to do it. But all I knew when I woke up was I needed to see you safe.”

Kaidan took a shaky breath. “Well now you have.”

Shepard nodded. “Okay. Yeah, I-”

Garrus spoke up. “That's not fair. You know it's him. If anyone could tell it would be you.”

Shepard turned back to look at Garrus, confused. When he looked back at Kaidan for some clarification, he was packing away. “Everything in me is telling me to go against my better judgement and trust you. But I… It's Cerberus, Shepard. What if they’re using the threat to manipulate you? What if they’re behind it?”

“Typical Alliance--”

Garrus elbowed Miranda hard, as only Garrus would dare.

Shepard glared at her before turning back to Kaidan. “You’re letting how you feel about them get in the way of the facts.”

Kaidan glared and Shepard immediately knew that was the wrong thing to say. “Or maybe you feel like you owe them because they brought you back. Maybe you’re the one letting your feelings get in the way.” Shepard immediately felt like that wasn’t about Cerberus. “I’m an Alliance soldier, and I always will be. I’ve got to report back to the Citadel, see if they believe your story or not.” He turned to walk away and Shepard took another step forward.

“Wait!”

Kaidan stopped turning back around.

“I still owe you a drink, after all this.”

Some of the grief and hurt in Kaidan’s face faded, but the resolve did not. “Goodbye, Shepard. Take care of yourself.”

Kaidan kept walking and Shepard stayed where he was. After he went a few more yards he hollered. “That wasn’t a ‘no’!” Kaidan’s shoulders bounced a little and Shepard thought that might be the hope of a laugh. It hurt to watch him walk away though, knowing how close he’d come to losing Kaidan to the Collectors. Garrus put a hand on his shoulder, while Shepard got on the radio. “Joker? Send a shuttle to pick us up. I’ve had enough of this place.”

Garrus sighed. “He was always stubborn.”

Shepard smiled through the ache in his chest. “Yup, some things never change.”

Miranda sighed. “You could’ve shown him the name on your chest. He’d have believed you then.”

That had Garrus laughing. “Miss Know-it-all doesn’t know something? That’s beautiful.”

It was Shepard’s turn to elbow him. The woman looked between them, scowling. “What don’t I know?”

Shepard took a deep breath. “Kaidan doesn’t have a soul name.”

She squinted. “But you do.”

“I do.”

“And he…?” She pointed in the direction Kaidan walked off in.

“He does not.”

She looked like she didn’t believe him. “How is that possible?”

“If I knew that we wouldn’t be here right now having the conversation.”

Miranda shook her head. “You’re full of suprises, Shepard.”

Garrus laughed again. “You don’t know the half of it.”


	14. Chapter 14

Kaidan sent off his report to the Citadel and rubbed his temples. His heart was still racing. Shepard had been in his arms.

His soulmate.

Who was suppose to dead.

But the second he said Cerberus, Kaidan had recoiled. He knew Cerberus, they’d fought them together. Everything in him had told him to go with Shepard. To stay with Shepard. He was back. If any emotions were clouding his judgement it was seeing him again. He practically tackled the commander, when he saw him. He couldn’t help it. For two years he's been he’d been looking for Shepard over his shoulder. Then he was there. What could he do? Shepard was just standing there looking handsome, tempting him.

And then he told him why he was there and who he was with and Kaidan couldn’t retreat fast enough. The minute Shepard said he was letting his emotions get in the way, Kaidan knew he was right but not for the reason he thought.

It would have been too easy to just follow Shepard blindly.

He knew it was really Shepard. His gut told him so and if Dr. Renise had stressed anything about the soulmate thing it was to trust that feeling. Soulmates had a sixth sense about their partners. They could locate them without really trying. Put one in the middle of a maze and tell the other to find them it will take little to no time. He’d done more research on the soulmate thing while on Horizon, since it was the only thing to do in your downtime on such a small colony. The dream he’d had made him curious.

There were no cases like his but there were other rare and odd occurrences. There was a recorded case of three people being soulmates and the Asari (a group who once had a prevalent amount of soul names but it dwindled with their expansion) had legends that confirmed the same. Also, with expansion there were three recorded cases of Asari having two names and meeting one soulmate, them dying, and then meeting the other much later on. It was… Confusing but it was what it was.

Kaidan’s appearing meant something knew Shepard would be back and that Kaidan loving him was inevitable.

So, of course, Kaidan had to make the one sure thing in this galaxy as difficult as humanly possible.

He was sure Garrus was laughing at him right now.

As for the dream projecting he had no recorded cases of something like what happened to him. Then again, people didn’t come back from the dead often, and it made some kind of symmetrical sense that he witness Shepard’s death and his rebirth.

He couldn’t leave it like that. If Shepard really was going after the Collector’s he might lose him again. And the thought of that was enough to have him typing. He had to explain how he felt now that he’d had some distance to breath. It took a while to type but he knew it needed to be perfect, reading and rewriting and rewriting again.

Once it was done he took a deep breath he sent it. Two years of faking being alright, of concentrating on the work. Of looking for something in other people's faces, trying to find a spark to fill the hole. Shepard was back but how much of the him Kaidan had loved back then survived.

Was he in love with the Shepard of the here and now, or the ghost of the man he’d followed to hell and back?

Only time would tell.

 

* * *

  
“I saw the reports on Horizon, Commander.” Shepard jumped. Kelly usually just reported whether or not there were new messages for him. “What you did was… amazing!”

“I had a lot of help.” Shepard shrugged, about to go to his terminal.

“The report mentioned Kaidan Alenko was there. How did that go?”

He winced. “It went…”

“I’m sorry, Commander. I know he is your soulmate. It’s never easy to part ways with them.”

He nodded absentmindedly. “Yeah, thanks for the concern. But I’ll be okay.”

She reached out and put a hand on his shoulder. “You sure?”

“Yeah, I’m sure.” He wasn’t. Instead of talking about it though he scrolled through his new messages and one caught his eye.

Kaidan.

“I’ll be in my cabin if anyone needs me alright?”

Kelly gave him a small salute. “Aye aye, sir.”

But he was already at the lift.

He couldn’t open it fast enough.

_Shepard,_

_I’m sorry for what I said back on Horizon. I spent two years pulling myself back together after you went down with the Normandy. It took me a long time to get over my guilt for surviving when you didn’t. I kept on going because I knew you’d want me too and that you wouldn’t change how things went down. If you had to go back for Joker once or a thousand times, you’d do it._

_Then I saw you, and everything pulled a hard right. You were standing in front of me but you were with Cerberus. I guess I don’t really know who either of us is anymore. I know you remember that promise of yours. Is the rest of it there too? What we went through from that first email to that last order on the dying Normandy meant everything to me. But a lot has happened in the last two years and I can’t just put that aside._

_Please be careful. I’ve watched too many people close to me die--on Eden Prime, on Virmire, on Horizon, on the Normandy. I can’t lose you again. If you’re still the man I knew you’ll stop the Collector attacks.That I don’t doubt. But Cerberus is too dangerous to be trusted. Watch yourself._

_When things have settled down… maybe… I don’t know. Just take care of yourself._

_\--Kaidan_.

Kaidan’s letter was… harder to read then he thought it’d be. His soulmate had obviously been through a lot of pain and Shepard wished he could take it all back from him. But it wasn't anyone's fault. Well, okay, it was the Collector's fault.

_I can’t lose you again._

That was… better than nothing.

He read it and reread it for a solid hour. By the end he could probably recite it word for word if anyone asked him. Kaidan would be stubborn about Cerebus. If he wasn’t he wouldn’t be him. Shepard didn’t really trust any of them… well, maybe Jacob and Miranda… and Gabby and Kenneth… and Kelly.

Okay he trusted his crew. But the Illusive Man was fishy at best and probably put Kaidan in danger which would have Shepard’s guard up even higher. Maybe he’d talk to Jack about what she found in those Cerberus files.

Some of the crew had started asking for favors. Maybe it was time to start winning loyalty for when he finally blew this popsicle stand.


	15. Chapter 15

They’d done it. Shepard and his crew stopped the Collectors. It was no easy task, but they did it. Everyone managed to survive; Garrus, Tali, even the Cerberus crew. The sped back through the relay as Harbinger went down and Shepard was relieved. Finally things could get back to normal.

The comm room was in shambles but the Illusive Man could still get a call through, unfortunately. He had nothing and everything to say to the man.

“Shepard. You’re making a habit of costing me more than time and money.”

Shepard smirked. “What was that? Can’t hear you. Getting a looooot of bullshit on this line.”

“Don’t try my patience. The technology from that base could’ve secured human dominance in the galaxy; against the Reapers and beyond.” Now he sounded annoyed and Shepard loved it.

Shepard took a step forward, leaning in. “Human dominance or just Cerberus?”

The Illusive Man stood-- and to be honest Shepard was beginning to wonder if the man could stand. Since he was always sitting and smoking when he called. “Strength for Cerberus is strength for every human. Cerberus is humanity. I should’ve known you’d choke on the hard decisions. Too idealistic from the start”

“I’m not looking for your approval. Harbinger is coming and he won’t be alone. Humanity needs a leader who is going to look out for all of them. From now on I’m doing things my way whether you agree with it or not.”

The Illusive Man came even closer, eyes glowing unnaturally even over the hologram. “Don’t turn your back on me Shepard. I made you. I brought you back from the dead.”

Shepard crossed his arms. “Joker, lose this channel.” Then he did turn his back on the Illusive Man, literally. He’d wanted to do it for so long. It felt good.

They began to undertake repairs and would be unable to undergo warp. In the meantime, Shepard contacted Anderson, letting him know he’d… confiscated the Cerberus vessel and was making plans to head back to the Alliance. Anderson’s reply was brief but Shepard could sense the relief in it. Miranda wasn’t exactly happy leaving Cerberus but she didn’t agree with the Illusive man anymore, so she also handed over as much Cerberus intel as she felt she should. Shepard forwarded that too. Just in case.

Shepard came up to Joker in the cockpit a few days after they’d gotten out. “Hey.”

“Hey, Commander. How is post suicide mission treating you?” Joker turned around and gave him as small wave.

“Good. Who are things up here. You two finally getting along?”

He looked over at EDI’s interface. “Yeah, me and EDI finally came to an understanding. What with her saving my life and all.”

Shepard grinned. “Oh yeah?”

“Yeah… Hey EDI can you like… leave the cockpit for a sec?”

“As you wish, Jeff.”

With that she went blank, and he sighed. “You’re gonna think this is weird.”

“What’s weird?”

He doubled check the station, like he was making sure she wasn’t listening and then sighed. “You remember my soul name right? Three letters? Between my shoulder blades? No help to anyone in the soul department once so ever?”

Shepard nodded slowly. “Yeah?”

“You’re gonna think I’m crazy but if there's anyone who would understand crazy soul name shit it’s you right?

“Hey!”

“Don’t freak out.”

“Spit it out, Moreau.”

“Those letters? They’re E, D, and I.”

Shepard furrowed his brow in confusion. Then thought about that, silence stretching between them… then he laughed. Hard. For a good solid minute. Because that was the most hilarious thing he’d ever heard.

“I’m not joking.”

“No! No, I believe you. That’s what’s so funny. The Normandy is literally your soul mate!”

Joker frowned. “Yeah, yeah laugh it up.”

His sides hurt. “Only you would be soul mates with a ship, honestly.”

“Well at first I didn’t believe it, because I mean a ship? An AI? But now… with everything that’s happened… What if it is an AI? How would that even work?”

Shepard scratched his neck. “I don’t know, you two will have to figure it out.”

Joker put his face in his hands. “I have no idea how I’m even gonna approach telling her.”

“Well, I’d do it soon. I can tell you from experience that it’s best not to put these things off.”

Joker looked up in horror. “Shit. Sorry. You’re right. Soon… I’ll tell her soon.”

Shepard grinned. “It’s okay. I’m happy for you. Even if it is weird and hilarious.”

The pilot began to say something when his screen lit up. He hit a button and EDI was back up. “Thanks, EDI. What’s up?”

“Admiral Hackett is on the comm for you, Shepard.”

“Thanks, EDI. I’ll take it in my quarters.”

With that he left the two of them alone. Jeff talked in a hushed tone and EDI spoke back at the same volume.

What a strange galaxy they lived in… Solved the “do machines have a soul debate” for Shepard though. Honestly, after meeting Legion, Shepard had been leaning more towards that conclusion every day.

“Commander. Thank you for your time.”

“No worries. I assume you’ve gotten my report on the Collector mission.”

“I have. And while I can’t officially support your methods, I’m glad to have you back with the Alliance. But that’s not why I called.”

Somehow, Shepard knew this wasn’t going to be good. He looked at the picture of Kaidan he had on his desk. Looked like Kaidan would have to wait.

Again.

 

* * *

 

  
It went south. Of course it went south. And three hundred thousand batarians lost their lives. He went straight to Earth to stand trial. It was more of a witch hunt. Hackett had believed him, and knew he did the right thing. And it was probably only that that didn’t have him in jail. Instead he was put under ‘house’ arrest and under guard. He sent messages but was sure no one received them. James Vega was assigned to him. He was a good kid and Shepard knew he was just doing his job but it was too fun to mess with him. He went for runs around the base and Vega was hard pressed to keep up. Carrying around all that muscle must have been real tough.

One early afternoon, sixth months after he was found guilty Vega came through his door. “Commander.”

“I’m not a Commander anymore, James.”

“I’m not supposed to salute you either. We gotta go. The defense committee wants to see you.”  
That had Shepard’s interest. “Sounds important.” He followed James out of his room and down the hall. Everybody was moving with purpose. Base wasn’t usually that busy, and there was a weird tension in the air. “What’s going on?”

“Couldn’t say. Just told me they needed you. Now.” The ‘now’ was said with the most severity Shepard had ever heard James use. Admiral Anderson was approaching them

“Anderson?”

Anderson shook his hand on the go, continuing to walk towards the committee hall. “You look good, Shepard. Maybe a little soft around the edges. How you holding up since being ‘relieved from duty’?”

Shepard followed in step with the admiral, raising an eyebrow. He was not soft around the edges. “It’s not so bad once you get use to the hot food and soft beds.”

“We’ll get it sorted out.”

Shepard kept having to sidestep people to avoid being bumped into. “What’s going on? Why is everyone in such a hurry?”

“The fleet is mobilizing. Something big is headed our way.” They had reached the stairs and Shepard slowed to a stop at the bottom of them. Anderson stopped when he noticed Shepard wasn’t following.

It dawned on him that this was it. “The Reapers?”

“We don’t know for certain.”

Shepard frowned, a sinking feeling in his gut. “What else could it be?”

Anderson stared blankly. “If I knew that.”

“It’s the Reapers. And we’re not ready. Not by a long shot.”

The Admiral turned to keep going up the stairs. “I will and unless we’re planning to talk the Reapers to death, the committee is--” His retort died in his throat as an old familiar sensation shot up his spine. Everything went on high alert and he looked around wildly for the source. He knew this. What was going on?

Anderson looked back at him as he walked. “Everything alright?”

He shook his head, trying to focus. “Yeah, I’m fine. But the committee--”

“They’re just scared. They haven’t seen what you’ve seen. Reading your reports is nothing like being there, in the trenches, fighting them.” They approached the committee courtroom.

He was distracted as they came to the courtroom access and when they entered James stopped him for a handshake. “Good luck in there, Shepard.”

As he went to reply he heard an all too familiar voice behind him. “Anderson.” He froze and James saw it. “Shepard?”

Shepard turned to see Kaidan, looking as good as ever. “Kaidan.” If his voice sounded a bit wistful it was because everything finally centered and the anxiety faded. It was like slapping medigel on an open wound.

Anderson cut in before he could say more. “How’d it go in there, Major.”

“Okay, I think. Hard to know. I’m just waiting for orders now.”

Shepard’s ears perked. “Major?”

“You hadn’t heard?”

Kaidan looked at Shepard, clearly at a loss for words. “No… I hadn’t.” Kaidan hadn’t tried to contact him since the email after Horizon and the clear guilt on the major’s face spoke volumes about it.

“Sorry… It’s... “ But words didn’t come.

“No. It’s… fine. Just… it was good to see you.”

Anderson rolled his eyes next to him. The exchange was so stiff and awkward. But seeing Kaidan after so long really had been a relief.

“Yeah… You too.” He sounded relieved but if it was to see Shepard or have the conversation dropped, Shepard wasn’t sure.

A woman came up to lead them in and Kaidan gave him a tentative smile. That man could light him up with a look. If the galaxy’s safety wasn’t on the line he’d say more but he really did have to go. Behind him, James asked if Kaidan knew the Commander.

“Yeah.”

Shepard smiled.


	16. Chapter 16

When the Reapers attacked, Kaidan turned into a mess and he hated it. He headed full sprint to the Normandy and Joker because they have to get Shepard out of there. He felt the stab of guilt that he wasn’t more worried about the rest of the planet, the rest of the city, or even just Anderson.

Soul mates come before everything. It was a blessing and a curse. After Shepard was put on house arrest he didn’t go see him mostly to spite that feeling in his gut. He hadn’t signed up for this. He was bitter about the whole affair.

It didn’t cross his mind until Shepard is on board and sulking as far away from him as humanly possible, that maybe Shepard’s kind of bitter about it too.

The thought only made Kaidan feel worse. So, on orders from Hackett, they headed to Mars.

Which is where they found Cerberus troops ransacking the place.

“What are they doing here on Mars?”

Shepard examined the site where the soldiers had been as they pass it and head for the facility. “That’s a good question.”

“You don’t know?” He couldn’t hold back the question. Or the suspicion in his voice when he asked.

“Why would they tell me?”

“It’s a bit convenient though, isn’t it?” His voice hitched with annoyance and maybe he was annoyed that Shepard could be soon aloof with everything that had happened. They get in the air lock and he stalked up to Shepard. “Shepard, I need a straight answer.”

“Kaidan.” Shepard sounded frustrated.

“Don’t ‘Kaidan’ me. This is business.”

Shepard folded his arms. “Business?”

That only had Kaidan even more annoyed. “Do you know anything about why Cerberus is here?”

“What makes you think I know what they’re up too?”

He paced away. “You worked for them, for god’s sake. How am I not suppose to think that?”

“We joined forces to take down the Collectors. That’s it.”

Kaidan barreled on ahead. “There’s more too it. They rebuilt you from the ground up. They gave you a ship, resources…”

Shepard rounded on him them. “Straight answer? Fine. I have had no contact with Cerberus since I destroyed the Collector base. And I have no idea why they’re here now or what they want.”

James, who had watched the exchange silently from the sidelines decided now was the time to butt in. “Commander Shepard has been under constant surveillance since coming back to Earth. No way they’ve communicated since.”

“Sorry Shepard, it’s just that--” The room finally pressurize and the airlock opened with a hiss.

“Don’t… Please don’t. We have more important things to worry about then whether or not you trust me.”

The wind left his sails as the elevator lifted. “I do trust you-- I just.”

Shepard turned, clearly angry now but the fight with Cerberus and Liara cut him off. Liara’s crush on Shepard clearly hadn’t changed but Liara was a lot more ruthless than he remembered. She explained why she was there and what they were looking for. He hung back a bit too keep from blowing up. Shepard sent James back to the shuttle with the same line he’d used on Kaidan on the Normandy and it took a lot to focus on the mission and not on the sinking feeling in his stomach.

The fight went swiftly enough and the tram they needed to get to the Mars archives was shut down.

Shepard’s approval when he comes up with the radio idea warmed him in the most frustrating of ways. He walked to where he thought he saw an agent go down, as Liara made some remark he didn’t catch.

Sure enough there was the guy outside the control room. “Shepard! I found something.”

Shepard entered the room, as he went to open the helmet.

“What’ve you got?”

“He’s got a transmitter, if I could just…” the helmet opened with a low hiss and Kaidan backed up in horror. The soldier's face was ashen and his eyes glowed purplish blue. He stood off to the side, fighting back nausea. “He looks… he looks like a husk.”

Shepard knelt in front of him, inspecting the agent’s face. “Not quite. But they’ve definitely done something to him.”

“And by they, you mean Cerberus? They did this too their own guy?” Then he had a scary thought. “Is this what they did to you?”

Shepard backed away from it. “How can you compare me to him?”

Kaidan looked away. “Shepard, I don’t know what you are? Or who… not since Cerberus rebuilt you. For all I know, you could be their puppet controlled by the Illusive Man himself.”

“Kaidan.” There he went with his name again. It twisted his gut worse than anything. There was a time he thought he’d never hear Shepard say it again. He didn’t know if he’d ever be over those two years.

“Don’t try to explain it. I don’t think I’d understand anyway. I just want to know if the person I followed to hell and back still in there… somewhere.”

Shepard suddenly glared at him. “You know all you’ve done since I’ve gotten back is be suspicious and untrusting. I didn’t chose this, you know! I was okay dying, knowing that Joker and you and the crew survived. It was a good death!”

Kaidan felt his anger flare. “Maybe it was good for you, but you didn’t have to go on without you! Look at Joker! Look at Liara! At me! When you got back were we better off?”

Now Shepard got back in his face. “I didn’t want to die! I didn’t ask to come back!”

“I mourned you! We all mourned you! And then you show up after two years and just think everything can be okay?”

“I’m so tired of being blamed for being alive! You want me to be dead so badly shoot me! All your problems with me can be over and I can get back to the honest business of being dead.”

Kaidan recoiled. Physically bulked, taking a half step back. “That’s not fair.”

Shepard threw his hands in the air. “Then I don’t know what you want from me! You don’t think I’ve asked myself the same questions! They put me back together like a fucking meat puzzle and added bits I don’t even know about. Maybe I’ve got a bomb in my chest set to explode. I don’t know! I’m terrified they’ve done something to me I don’t know about. I didn’t ask for this! I didn’t...” It was like all the wind left Shepard’s sails at once. He looked like he wanted to cry. “So if this is how it’s gonna be? End it. The Collectors, the Reapers, Cerberus? Fine. But I can’t take this. I can’t take you hating me.”

He stared at Shepard and didn’t know what to say. “I don’t… I don’t hate you.” It came out small, childish even. But Shepard looked like he didn’t believe him.

“Sure… But you don’t believe me. Nothing I say will convince you.”

Kaidan opened his mouth but words didn’t come.

Shepard held up a hand. “I didn’t think so. You always were stubborn.” With that he went to leave the room. That had been a lighthearted jab and for a second it felt like the old days. Like back on the crew deck as Shepard asked for a shoulder to lean on.

“Me?” He laughed lightly and for the first time since they started arguing, Shepard smiled.

That something in his chest that he was suppose to listen to said that Shepard couldn’t be replicated. That smile, that look, the inflection. The raw intensity that he had when he ranted. It couldn’t be faked.

But his head reminded him of the heartache he’d suffered losing Shepard the first time. It wondered if maybe if was better this way. Keep Shepard at a distance so when things went belly up, as they do, he could gesture to this disaster and say that he told himself so.

He’d spent two years walking around with a hole in his chest. Then Shepard had the audacity to walk back in like nothing had happened. That wasn’t fair to Shepard, sure, but the situation wasn’t fair. The galaxy as they knew it was ending and he didn’t have time to sort out the conflict between wanting Shepard and the uncertainty of everything else.

The truth was he was scared. More scared than he’d been in a long time. He hadn’t had anything to lose before and the misery had suited him. It had kept him safe and he’d promised to not let it happen again. He built up walls, focused on the tasks he could do, on the job, and left it at that.

Then Shepard was back and suddenly he had everything to lose.

Later when that metal woman was banging his head against the side of a shuttle, he saw his life play out in slow motion before his eyes. It ended there on Mars and he regretted he never told Shepard he loved him. That he’d been so hard on him about simply being alive instead of grateful he had another chance.

He loved Shepard so much, and yet he let him suffer because he was a coward.

And the last thing he was going to hear was Shepard screaming his name like a war cry.

He hoped Shepard couldn’t feel any of it. That was something he wouldn’t even wish on a Reaper.


	17. Chapter 17

Shepard let out an almost inhuman scream. Once, twice, it hit Kaidan’s head against the shuttled. Shepard yanked as hard as his biotics would let him and the robot flew through the air, landing limply at his feet. Without looking back he ran to Kaidan. “Kaidan? Kaidan!” He wasn’t responding. He didn’t look conscious.

“Shepard, we’ve got Reaper signatures in orbit.”

“Damn it. James, grab that thing. We’ll bring it with.” Shepard threw Kaidan’s limp form over his shoulder and head for the Normandy, half jogging him to sick bay, running on autopilot. Gently as he could he laid him on a bed there and removed his helmet. He looked bad. Really bad. But he was still breathing and that was important. Still breathing.

Suddenly, Liara was in his face. “Kaidan needs medical attention.” He didn’t say anything. His heart in his throat as he looked away. She got back in his line of site. “We have to leave the Sol system.”

“I know.”

“The citadel is our best chance.” She was right.

He opened the comm. “Get us to the citadel, Joker.”

“Roger that.”

James had put down the robot in the other bed, watching the exchange curiously. He looked to Liara. “See what you and EDI can learn from that thing.”

With orders given he sat down in the chair next to Kaidan’s bed. “Hang on Kaidan.” Gently he touched Kaidan’s face. “Please.”

EDI came over the intercom. “I’m receiving a signal over the secondary QEC. I believe it’s Admiral Hackett.”

He let his hand linger on Kaidan’s face for a second longer. “Patch me through.”

He made his way to the comm room quickly, so he wouldn’t change his mind.

Hackett’s form was flickering in and out. “EDI, can you clear this up?”

“I’ll do my best.” If he knew EDI it was about to be perfect.

Sure enough Admiral Hackett was as clear as if he was standing in front of him.

“DId you make it to the archives?” the older man asked.

“Yeah, we did. So did the Illusive Man.”

He briefed the Admiral with Liara, halfheartedly. He just wanted to be back in the medbay and damn duty to hell. Everything was falling to hell. He spent the whole ride to the Citadel hovering and feeling useless.

The med team arrived soon as they docked and rushed him off to Huerta Memorial. Shepard watched them go, everything in him telling him to follow Kaidan. He knew he couldn’t. The council was waiting, there was a war.

And Kaidan didn’t want him around anyway.

It was a lot of bullshit but soon as the council let him go he headed to Huerta. He told the nurse who he was there for and who he was she nodded. “Of course, of course he’s this way.” She led him to a room on the far left. “You can stay as long as you need… It helps to talk to them.”

Shepard raised an eyebrow but went in. Kaidan was lying on the bed, propped up but not conscious. They’d put him in a plain black tee. He looked rough, his face dark. “Kaidan. Shit, it’s tough to see you laid out like this.” He sat next to him with a sigh. “I don’t know if you can hear me but you can’t tell me to get the hell out either…. I’m gonna take my chances.”

Shepard was too antsy to sit, so he stood, coming closer and running a hand through Kaidan’s hair. “Don’t you dare die, Kaidan. We need you in this… I need you in this.”

He needed Kaidan so badly it hurt. The name on his neck itched again, but he ignored it.

“God, I need you.” He didn’t cry but he kind of wanted to.

It sucked. The whole thing sucked.

* * *

 

  
Kaidan awoke in Huerta and the first thing he did was send a private message to Shepard. He needed to see him. Of course Udina started hounding him about becoming a Spectre right before Shepard walked in. “I need an answer, Major.”

“You’ll have it soon, Councillor.”

On his way out the Councillor gave his soul mate a nod. “Shepard.”

“Udina.” They clearly didn’t want to talk and Udina left.

“Shepard, hey, uh you just missed snack time-- actually that’s probably a good thing. Thanks for coming.” He was babbling. Babbling because he just really wanted to kiss Shepard and physically could not get up to do so.

“No problem.” He pulled up a chair. “What’d Udina want?”

Small talk. Kaidan could do that. “Wants me to be a Spectre.”

Shepard raised an eyebrow. “And you’re gonna take it right?”

”Well it’s a huge honor.. Big responsibility. Just need to be sure. You know?”

Shepard pulled something from behind his back. “Got you something.”

“Wow. Thanks, Shepard… that’s really great.” Oh that was the most awkward sounding sentence.

He grinned. “Just a little pick me up.”

“Maybe when I get out we can crack it open and celebrate.” Shepard looked to physically loosen up at that, so he went on. “I’m so ready to get out of here. You can’t tell but I’m tied to this bed by medical red tape.”

Shepard’s place went completely blank at that and Kaidan nervously went on.

“Doc says I’m good to go but there’s always one more test she wants to run. My implant got rattled, so I gotta keep the biotics offline for a bit. It’s really no big deal.”

Shepard grinned. “Need me to break you out.”

With a sigh he laid back a bit. “I’ll let you know.”

The grin muted into a small, sad smile. “I’m glad you asked me to come… It’s good to see you’re okay.”

Kaidan smiled back. “Thanks.”

There was a long silence that Kaidan didn’t feel the need to fill. “I just… I want to make sure, you and me-- after Mars, after Horizon. Are we--? Are we good?”

Shepard leaned forward. “We’ve been through hell. You followed me through itl and back. That kind of bond is hard to break.”

“Yeah but you listened to me talk about the Brain Camp. We… we went through Ash’s death together.”

Those ice blue eyes went distant and the smile faded. “Yeah… we did.”

Kaidan nodded. “So… are we good?”

“Yeah, yeah we’re good.” Shepard took a shaky breath.

“I’m not sure I’ve been wrong about Cerberus--”

Shepard snorted. “You weren’t.”

Kaidan glared and Shepard went silent. He couldn’t keep the serious face, and ended up smiling. “But I’ve been wrong about you.” They sat in a small silence again and Kaidan decided to be honest. “I’ve missed this.”

“Me too.” The commander ran a hand down his face, steeling himself. “Kaidan--”

“Not… not here okay?.. Don’t think this bottle means you don’t still owe me a drink. Get back to the Normandy. Before I have you break me out for real.”

Shepard stood and came closer like he wanted to say more. Do more. But he just squeezed Kaidan’s hand lightly. “I’ll see you soon.”

“You too.”

_I love you._

_I love you so much it hurts_.

And he saw that reflected in Shepard’s eyes. They were idiots but the galaxy couldn’t wait for them to get their shit together.


	18. Chapter 18

Shepard landed on the Elevator with the Council in it with a thud. Thank God, it felt like he’d battled through an army of Cerberus to reach them. Gun shots came up through it and Shepard had a feeling it was Kaidan. He didn’t know about Udina and this was gonna look bad.

Really bad.

The Elevator stopped and Shepard burst through the roof hatch. It was empty. They had headed out toward the shuttle.

“Everyone back to the elevator! Move!” Sure enough there was Kaidan. Liara hit the door mechanism. Jamming it. Garrus, Liara and Shepard all trained their guns on Udina and sure enough Kaidan raised his, getting in the way. Shepard flinched. “Shepard! What’s going on?”

Before Shepard could say anything Udina had to get in his two sense. “Shepard’s blocking our escape! He’s with Cerberus!”

Shepard had always hated Udina.

Kaidan looked shaken. “Just… hang on-- I got this. Everyone calm down.”

Funny enough Shepard couldn’t do that with Kaidan in front of him with a gun. He’d spent all this time trying to repair the damage Cerberus had done to what they had. This would either make it or break it.

He lowered his gun but kept it ready. “I can explain this, Kaidan.”

“Come on, Shepard. Gun drawn on a Councilor… kinda looks bad.” Shepard went on instinct. He put his gun back at his side. Garrus and Liara lowered theirs but didn’t put them away.

“We don’t have time to negotiate. We’ve been fooled. All of you. Udina’s behind this attack. The salarian councilor confirmed it.”

Udina rolled his eyes behind Kaidan. “Please. You have no proof. You never do.”

Shepard glared. “And yet when have I been wrong? There are Cerberus soldiers in the elevator shaft behind us. If you open that door they will kill you all.”

The asari councilor stepped forward. “We’ve mistrusted Shepard before… and it didn’t help us.”

Shepard smirked at Udina but he went toward the console on the other side of Kaidan. “We don’t have time to debate this and we’re dead if we stay out here. I’m overriding the lock.”

Shepard raised his gun again and Kaidan moved between them. For a moment their eyes met and Shepard saw something give. “I better not regret this.”

He turned to Udina and Shepard felt his heart skip. “You won’t.”

The next bit happened fast. Kaidan told Udina to step away and the asari councilor tried to stop him. Udina pulled the gun and Kaidan took the shot.

Shepard came forward. “Kaidan--”

“Yeah… I’m good.”

He didn’t sound good but Kaidan met his eyes again, and the ghost of a smile pulled at his lips.

Bailey came through the door and confirmed that he had saved the Councilors. Shepard turned to look for Kaidan as they all went to secure the rest of the Citadel. Where’d he get too?

Shepard had a lot to say. He’d had a lot to say for a long time. It was beginning to get ridiculous.

Kaidan had believed him. It was too much hope for Shepard’s heart to hold.

He didn’t see Kaidan again until he headed back to the Normandy. He was waiting at the dock, leaning against a wall. “Kaidan! I was wondering where you got to. What’s up?”

Kaidan didn’t move. He was looking at a point just past Shepard. “I’m trying to wrap my head around what just happened.”

Shepard winced. “You sound… angry.”

He straightened. “Not angry… just not everyday you have an armed standoff with someone you--- someone you care about. How it all went down? It’s got me. I don’t know.”

“Okay. Talk to me.” Shepard was ready for literally anything, and it had been long enough.

Kaidan came forward. “If I hadn’t backed down first… I feel like you would’ve taken me out.”

Shepard laughed. “I couldn’t have done that. You know I couldn’t.”

“Do I?” Kaidan was searching his face. “Fuck, I do know that.”

Shepard knew on instinct what this was really about. “It’s Udina isn’t it? You know he wouldn’t have come in quietly. You didn’t have a choice.”

Some of the tension in Kaidan’s face melted away and he smiled before looking away. “Alright. Thanks.” After a moment Kaidan looked back. “Look there’s another reason I’m here. Hackett… offered me a position but I’d turn it down for a second chance to--”

“Yes.”

Kaidan laughed. “I didn’t even finish.”

Shepard came forward taking Kaidan’s hand. “You didn’t have to. I can’t imagine facing the Reapers without you.”

Kaidan gave his hand a squeeze. “Thank you. And I need you to know I’ll never doubt you again. I’ve got your back.”

“Good to know.” Shepard let go of his hand with a smile. “Welcome aboard, Major.”

Kaidan saluted. “Aye, aye, sir.”

With that they both walked onto the Normandy, Kaidan in front of him.

If he watched Kaidan’s ass as they walked? Well, it had been a long day and it was a sight for sore eyes.

They had a mission on Tuchanka that went south, as these things seemed to do. But the bomb was disabled and turian-krogan relations remained tense but not violent.

Shepard hated it. It was too much like Virmire. But instead of a bomb suppose to go off they stopped one that didn’t. The next time they headed back to the Citadel Kaidan practically dragged him off the Normandy. “Come on.”

And Shepard followed. They ended up at Apollo’s Cafe, sitting at a table and perusing the menu. A salarian came by and put in their drink order. Once he left Kaidan whistled, impressed. “Surprised this place could still get supplies like this.”

Shepard chuckled. “Maybe it’s best we don’t ask how. Or where.”

“We’ve needed this for a long time haven’t we?”

Shepard nodded.

Kaidan looked up from menu. “You know, my life flashed before my eyes on Mars. There weren’t enough moments like this--with people I cared about.”

Shepard leaned forward on his elbows. “I know the feeling.”

That earned him a smile. “So, you said you’d tell me about your soul mate.”

“I did say that, didn’t I?” Shepard was stalling. He knew he was stalling and he hated himself a little for it.

“So? You gonna tell me?”

“How about after we get our drinks?”

Kaidan’s shoulders squared and took Shepard’s hand. “No, I think you should tell me now. I wanna hear you say it.”

Shepard let out a shakey breath. This was it. Years of prep and putting it off had led to this. There were no more excuses. “My soul mate is Major Kaidan Leon Alenko.”

Instead of the shock he was expecting, a slow dreamy smile lit up Kaidan’s face. “It sounds just as pretty as I thought it would.”

Shepard frowned. “What? No how? Or disbelief?”

Kaidan laughed taking back his hand and Shepard remembered how much he loved Kaidan’s laugh. “Probably best I show you.” He undid his uniform's collar a bit and pulled.  
  
 _John Shepard._

His name was on Kaidan’s collar.

Just like Kaidan’s name was on his.

“What?”

Kaidan grinned. “Yeah, showed up after you kicked the bucket. You can imagine my surprise when I woke up and found it there.”

Shepard imagined it felt something like what he was feeling at that moment. Which was confused. “I… how?”

“I don’t know. How did I go fourteen years being a blank? It’s all very confusing. I’m not trying to make you feel bad but I felt you get spaced. It messed me up. Went through a lot of counseling.” Horror grew in Shepard’s gut. That feeling of dying but not. Of screaming. That had been Kaidan. “Then, one night I was head out towards Horizon and I have a very strange dream. I wake up to a bright light and pain and a woman I’ve never seen before. When I wake up that hole in my chest you left wasn’t empty anymore and I didn’t know what to do. So I didn’t do anything. Sure enough, you show up out of the blue, alive and with that woman I saw in tow… I’ve been fighting fate ever since.”

Shepard shook his head. “That’s… that’s a lot to process.”

Kaidan smirked. “Yeah, I know. Thought it best to do this somewhere public. Keep our heads about us. You remember Dr. Renise?”

Shepard thought a moment. Renise… “Nicole? She wasn’t a doctor when I met her.”

“Yeah, your old case worker took me on. Oh, if you want any of your old stuff it’s in a storage unit here on the Citadel. Turned out I got all your stuff when you died.”

Shepard didn’t know what to say. This was… not what he expected.  “You’ve known this whole time.”

Kaidan shrugged but it was clear he was loving one-uping him. “Yeah, but I fought it like hell. I’m real sorry about that.” 

Shepard ran a hand over his face. “You must think I’m an ass.”

“No. If this thing has taught me anything, it’s things happen for a reason. I wasn’t ready when I was eighteen. I wasn’t ready when we met. I’m ready now. We both are.”

Shepard raised an eyebrow. “Ready for what?”

“Us, and everything that comes attached. That’s what I want. What about you?”

Shepard leaned forward and kissed him soundly.

It was as perfect as he imagined it would be. They say the first kiss between you and your soul mate shifts the ground beneath your feet and sets your world on edge. It wasn’t like that at all. It was like Kaidan had said, everything that led up to that moment made sense. He was right where he was suppose to be. Under his lips, he felt Kaidan smile. When he pulled back it was still there. “Good to see we agree.” Kaidan pulled back as a salarian approached their table. “But more on that later.”

“What? No, we need to get back to the Normandy ASAP.”

Kaidan smirked. “Nope, too late. Our drinks are here and I plan to take my time.”

It was so Kaidan, SHepard couldn’t help himself. “I love you.”

“I know.”

“I take it back. You’re terrible.”

 


End file.
